Hannibal 2: The Sequal To Hannibal
by Holly version 2.0
Summary: MOVIE GUY-What happens when Hannibal Lecter returns to the States...? He will get revenge on Clarice by...STEALING HER BRAS! How will it all turn out! Pure crazieness, just for fun! LAST CHAPTER IS UP!
1. NO, NOT THE BRAS!

A/N: Okay, this is just for fun! It's written as if it were a new movie. Kinda like a script! If you're in a bad mood, then I suggest you read this! Just random stuff involving Hannibal and Clarice. They are WAY out of character, like I said it's just for fun. And all credit goes to Jesse, who is too nervous to post these himself. Hope you enjoy the craziness! Please forgive us this offends you.its just for fun. And a lot of it is inside jokes. This is what happens when you're bored, you don't have a life, and you have nothing better to do.  
  
Disclaimers: No, we don't own Clarice and Hannibal or any of the "Hannibal" characters. Although, we do own ourselves; Holly, Jesse, and Kate.  
  
Scene 1: [Clarice Starling is at work for the FBI, and her house is all empty. Or is it.?]  
  
[The camera enters the bedroom slowly, panning around the room and finally coming to a stop on the bathroom door]  
  
'FLUSHHHHHH'   
  
[The bathroom door opens and Hannibal walks out, zipping up his fly]  
  
Hannibal- "Oh yeah. That's better."  
  
[He walks over to Clarice's closet and pulls open the door]  
  
Hannibal- "I feel like a little boy at a Christmas party."  
  
[He reaches into her closet and pulls out a bra]  
  
Hannibal- "A Christmas party at Hue Heffeners, that is."  
  
[He dives into the closet and bras start flying out left and right (several minutes pass)  
  
Hannibal steps out wearing a bra on his chest, one on his head, One around his stomach, and three hanging from the belt loops of his pants. There is a bra strap hanging from out of his mouth.  
  
He coughs, and a black bra flies out, landing on the floor in a puddle of drool. ]  
  
Hannibal- "Does she really need so many bras? How many boobs does she have?"  
  
[He picks up all the bras off the floor and puts them in a suitcase, then gets a permanent marker and writes "SEXY, HANDLE WITH CARE" on it.  
  
He goes outside and throws it in the trunk of a taxi that was waiting outside]  
  
[He then gets in, and motions to the driver.]  
  
Hannibal- "Take me back to the hotel, you delicious little driver."   
  
[Hannibal is drooling all over the seats]  
  
[The driver reaches back and hands Hannibal a towel  
  
Hannibal grabs his arm and takes a huge bite out of it  
  
The driver screams and jumps out of the car, clutching his arm.]  
  
Hannibal- "Your making a scene, you know?"  
  
Driver- "YOU BIT MY FRICKEN ARM!! YOU SICK- [He gets hit in the face by a big rock and falls over.]  
  
'THUD.'  
  
[Hannibal puts down a rock he had been holding]  
  
Hannibal- "Wow. One shot that was sweet."  
  
[Hannibal gets out, drags the drivers body, and stuffs it in trunk below the suitcase  
  
He then hops into the drivers seat and speeds off, running over a little kid that had been poking a hobo with a stick.]  
  
Hannibal- "It begins Clarice. How will you ever survive.WITHOUT YOUR BRAS!!! [He laughs all evilly for several minutes]  
  
[While he's distracted he runs over a group of tourists and 3 children who had been flying a kite.]  
  
Hannibal- (o.0) "I guess I should be paying attention." [He swerves and hits a jogger.]  
  
TO BE CONTINUED.. 


	2. When You Dont Eat Your Donuts

A/N: Whooha! But waits there's more to the movie!! And there will be more. Haha, wow we have no lives.  
  
Disclaimers: The same.  
  
Scene 2: [Clarice is just getting home from work, and she soon becomes aware that something strange is going on.]  
  
[Clarice gets out of her car, slamming the door shut in frustration.]  
  
Clarice-"Damn Crawford, that was my donut and he knew it."   
  
[Storms up the sidewalk to her house]  
  
[She opens the door, which strangely enough is unlocked.]  
  
Clarice- "Well now, I guess I left it unlocked."   
  
The Bush Next To The Door- "teeeheeeheeee!"  
  
Clarice- "Ok what in the name of all that is sodomized by caterpillars, did that bush just laugh? DAMN YOU CRAWFORD! See what happens when the donut content in my blood goes down? Shrubs begun to rub my legs with their very smooth han--- 0.o"  
  
[There is a hand sticking out of the shrub, stroking Clarice's leg.]  
  
[Clarice looks down slowly, drawing her gun] .  
  
Clarice- "I swear to god I need sugar."  
  
The Bush Next To The Door- "I'll give you a donut if you lean closer, teehee."  
  
[The bush giggles and laughs].  
  
[Clarice remembers why she hates Earth Day so much.]  
  
Clarice- "Well I've never been seduced by a bush before, so. There's a first time for everything."  
  
[Clarice leans in closer to the bush.]  
  
The Bush Next To The Door- "That's right Clarice, sweet little Starling."  
  
Clarice- GASP!! HANNIBAL! ITS YOU!!!  
  
[The bush wiggles a little bit and Holly's head pops up, covered in sticks and leaves.]  
  
Holly- "Clarice! MOMMY!!"  
  
Clarice- "Holy shit!"  
  
[Clarice drops her gun and dives into the house, shutting and locking the door.]  
  
[Holly glares a few minutes in the window She breathes on it and writes, "You know you want me" in the fog]  
  
[Clarice freaks out and locks herself in the bathroom.]  
  
[Holly, frustrated and itchy from the bush, bounds off into the night, managing to step on the toes of several sleeping hobos.]  
  
[Several hours later, Clarice steps out of the bathroom.]  
  
Clarice- "Is she gone...? Oh thank god, that's the last time I go four hours without eating a donut. I cant believe I thought that was Hannibal. Hannibal doesn't hide in shrubs. Everyone knows he's more of the 'pop out of the trashcan and say BOO' kinda guy."  
  
[Clarice falls over and hits her head on the bathroom sink]  
  
Clarice-"Wow I must be tired I guess ill go change into a new bra. Maybe leopard skin tonight, or black, or lace, ooh black lace! Oh Clarice, your SOOO naughty!"  
  
[She blinks.]  
  
Clarice- 0.o "Yeah. [Coughs] I'm tired."  
  
[She walks up the stairs to her room.]  
  
[She opens the door and walks in, heading to the closet.  
  
She opens the closet.]  
  
Clarice- "SWEET HAIRY OX. Don't make me finish that sentence! BUT HOLY SHITE! MY BRAS!!!!  
  
[She falls to her knees and raises her fist to the sky.]  
  
Clarice- "WHY GOD! WHY MUST YOU TORTURE ME IN EVERY WAY! I mean seriously lingerie? That's low, even for you."  
  
[A single tear dribbles down Clarice's cheek.]  
  
Clarice- "My life is over without my bras I'm. well .ok it really doesn't matter, but still that's a little sick."  
  
[She climbs into bed without changing clothes and falls asleep.]  
  
[The camera zooms out and the scene is black]  
  
TO BE CONTINUED.yet again.. 


	3. Good god its you

A/N: Whoo! Another scene for the movie! Oh how it gets better and better..or just crazier.  
  
Disclaimers: The same, we only own ourselves.  
  
[Scene 3: It is 3 in the morning, and Clarice is out on a mission. No, not for the FBI, but for the FBI, "Finding Bras Immediately."]  
  
[Clarice Starling is in her car, driving down a winding rural road. She is dressed all in black, with a black ski mask sitting on the seat next to her. She was dressed to be stealthy. Of course, she still had her pink Hello Kitty wristwatch, but that wasn't a matter of fashion. She had a dentist's appointment at 6, and she didn't want to be late. The last time she had been late the dentist has threatened to spank her.]  
  
Clarice- "Oh god I hope this works why the hell did this have to happen to me now?"  
  
[Clarice pulls her car to a halt outside of a nice house, all alone out in the wilderness. ]  
  
Clarice- "Here, I can commit my horrible womanly crimes without getting caught. Of course its going to be hard being stealthy with these beautiful, plump jugs bouncing freely."  
  
[Clarice looks down at the two full cartons of orange juice that were hanging from her belt loop.]  
  
Clarice- "Of course that's what I meant! What do you think; I'm sick or something? People do get thirsty, you know."  
  
[Clarice gets out of her car, and puts on her ski mask.]  
  
[She tips toes slowly over to the nearest window, and stands there, surveying it.]  
  
Clarice- "Ok this is it I have to get in right here."  
  
[She takes a deep breath.]  
  
Clarice- "Ok Clarice breath. Do it just like they taught you in the academy they trained us on this for years everything will be ok."  
  
[Clarice picks up a huge rock and chucks it at the window.]  
  
['CRASH!!!' The window shatters in a huge spray of glass.]  
  
[Clarice tucks her head in and dives through the broken window.]  
  
Clarice- "HOLY SHIT IT WASN'T ME!"  
  
[She takes a deep breath and looks around.]  
  
Clarice- "For once my training actually worked although, now that I think about it, the door was already open. How odd. Doors do seem to do that around me."  
  
[Clarice skulks around the dark house, searching for the bedroom.  
  
She encounters a hallway full of what seem to be family photos.  
  
Very carefully, she takes out a permanent marker and draws handlebar mustaches on all the people in the photos.  
  
She then continues down the hall into the bedroom.  
  
She opens the door and peers inside.]  
  
Clarice- "Sweet, there's no one here. Finally a little help from upstairs."  
  
[The family that lives in the house is sleeping upstairs.]  
  
Clarice- "Now, to collect my prize."  
  
[Clarice tiptoes over the closet and looks inside.]  
  
Clarice- "SWEET ANGRY JESUS! THEY'VE GOT MORE BRAS THAN A FAT CIRCUS CLOWN WITH A FETISH!"  
  
[Clarice curses the script and the cheesy metaphors.]  
  
[She is about to start pulling bras out of the closet when she hears a noise coming from the bathroom.]  
  
A Woman's Voice- "Damn it, you stupid retarded fish! Sit still! God, the way you act you'd think you've never been tortured before!"  
  
A Strange Fish Like Voice- "please-WHEEZE- don't hurt- WHEEZE- me!"  
  
[Clarice gasps.]  
  
Clarice- 0.0 "Oh no! Somebody is in the house! And they've kidnapped a poor helpless fish! My father used to fish."  
  
[Clarice has some lame flashbacks that no one cares about:]  
  
[Clarice's father sits on boat fishing. He reels in a fish.]  
  
Clarice's dad- "Look honey! I got a big fish!"  
  
[Clarice is busy fondling the local neighborhood manwhore, ironically named Hannibal, and she doesn't notice.]  
  
[Clarice's dad gets all-sad.]  
  
Clarice's dad- "oh, fish, I'm so lonely. Will you be my friend?"  
  
[He hugs the fish, getting all slimy.]  
  
Clarice's dad- "From now I shall call you Mason, and you'll be my only-" Mason fish splurts out of his grip and lands flopping on the deck of the boat. He flops his way over to the side, the jumps overboard.  
  
Clarice's dad- "Ouch. This really hurts."  
  
[Clarice returns from her flashback.]  
  
Clarice- 0.o "Ok, wow. That explained so much."  
  
[Meanwhile, behind her, the bathroom door opens slowly, and a head peeks out.  
  
Clarice hears the creaking of the door and turns around slowly, drawing her gun.  
  
The lady behind the door jumps out and screams,]  
  
Lady- "WOOBLOO! I AM KATE!"  
  
[She jumps around the room for a few minutes, twirling a big spear around and singing the chimneysweeper song from Mary Poppins.  
  
Clarice, thoroughly frightened, takes a sip of orange juice from one of her jugs.]  
  
[Kate stops jumping around.]  
  
Kate- "Damn it Clarice, that wasn't cool. You were supposed to be scared!"  
  
[Clarice screws the cap back on her orange juice.]  
  
Clarice- "Oh give me a break, I've seen worse from Paul Krendler."  
  
[They both hear a huge commotion from the bathroom, and Masonfish (aka Mason) comes barreling out of the bathroom on his wheelchair.]  
  
Mason- "Did. shomeone.. Shay.. Krendler? Where... ish... that shexy ...man ...beasht when .I .need hi-"  
  
[Mason pauses.]  
  
[Clarice pukes.]  
  
[Kate tries to kill herself.]  
  
Mason- "Oh .good. god itsh. You. Clarice.. I. Thought id never shee .you .again!"  
  
Clarice- "Mason! Long time no see! Hey man, you've been working out. Your flippers are all fishy."  
  
[Mason gets all embarrassed.]  
  
Kate- 0.0 "Ok Clarice, what the hell are you doing here? I was right in the middle of torturing Mason, and you just come barging in here, Looking through my closet? I mean, I know your damn sexy and you can do anything you want, but still you never return my phone calls!"  
  
Clarice- "Kate, I have no clue why you know who I am, and I have no clue who you are, and I know you've probably been stalking me. " [Kate nods, and grins.] "But here's the thing. You see I need a bra I can't stand this anymore wherever I go they are bouncing and jiggling and its like Bay-watch only with more blood and guns. So can I borrow a bra?"  
  
Kate glances at the two jugs of orange juice hanging from Clarice's belt.  
  
Kate- 0.o "And I thought Hannibal was sick. "  
  
Clarice- "Oh well he is he's beyond sick god he's SOOO sick.... "  
  
[Clarice trails off and starts drooling.]  
  
Kate- "Your going to have to clean that up. And besides. I'm an Amazon. I don't have bras. Just these nice Metal Chest plates!"  
  
[Kate bangs on her metal chest plate with the butt of her spear, making a big ringing noise.]  
  
Kate (whispering to Clarice)- "The chest plates are nice. It's the only way I can keep Mason's slimy flippers off me for a fish he's amazingly limber"  
  
Clarice- 0.0 "Now that's just wrong but really? No bras?"  
  
[Kate stabs Mason in the arm with her spear.]  
  
Kate- "Nope, no bras."  
  
[Clarice gets all pissed and throws a jug of orange juice at mason.]  
  
['SPLAT.']  
  
[Mason twitches and then starts to cry.]  
  
Mason- "Oh My it burnsh the pain."  
  
[Kate goes behind his wheelchair and pushes him back into the bathroom.]  
  
Kate- "I think its time for you to leave, Clarice. You've upset Fish boy."  
  
[Clarice, now very depressed and frustrated, storms out of the house.  
  
As she leaves, she hears Mason screaming, and the sound of the toilet flushing.]  
  
Kate- "Whatsa matter, Mason?! I thought fish could breathe under water! Muwhahahahah!"  
  
[Clarice blinks, then runs the rest of the way to her car.  
  
She jumps in, and locks the doors.]  
  
Clarice- "Damn her I am, still bra-less and now I don't have any orange juice either this hurts I feel like throwing rocks at an old lady "  
  
[Clarice drives off, making squealing noises so it seems like she was peeling out.]  
  
Clarice- "Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. VROOM!! And off to the old folks home!" 


	4. Paper is goooood

A/N: So much craziness!! Wow, really...this is too funny for me. Wow....good stuff. And the Movie continues!  
  
Disclaimers: Ze same!  
  
[Scene 4: Clarice Starling is sitting at her desk at the FBI building when she is paid an unexpected visit from an old 'friend'.]  
  
[Clarice scribbles some notes down on a piece of paper.  
  
She erases them.  
  
She scribbles something else.  
  
She erases that.  
  
She turns the paper over and writes something else.  
  
She then erases that, too.  
  
Suddenly she hears someone breathing behind her.]  
  
A Mans Voice- "Why, agent starling, you are certainly working hard."  
  
[Clarice spins around in her chair, coming face to face with the man.]  
  
Clarice- "Hello Krendler you ugly sack of monkey feces."  
  
[Krendler pauses.]  
  
[He blinks.]  
  
Krendler- "What was that?"  
  
Clarice- "Nothing. Nice tie."  
  
[Krendler fondles his tie for a few moments. On it is a picture of himself standing naked under a branch of Mistletoe.]  
  
Krendler- "Yeah. I like it too. Mason made it for me last Christmas."  
  
Clarice- "oh that's sweet. It makes me want to puke and then gouge out my insides with the sharp side of a frozen waffle."  
  
[Krendler pauses again.]  
  
Krendler- "Clarice, frozen waffles don't have sharp sides. Waffles are round."  
  
[Clarice picks up her extra large coffee cup and smashes Krendler over the head with it.]  
  
Clarice- "Obviously you haven't fully recovered. I'm surprised you could walk at all, after that oh so sexy king of all things sex, suave-master of the universe, God of the orgasm, Hannibal.... okay I forgot what I was saying."  
  
[Krendler pauses.]  
  
Krendler- "You were talking about the time Hannibal cut open my head and stole my brain."  
  
Clarice- "Aha, yes that's right. Anyway, I'm surprised you could even think after that whole ordeal. I mean he did eat your BRAIN."  
  
[Krendler nods.]  
  
Krendler- "Yes, well, I never used that piece of crap anyway...... " [Krendler freezes, his mouth hanging open and his tongue lolling out.  
  
His eyes roll back into his head, and he falls over.]  
  
Clarice- 0.0 "Umm. Oops?"  
  
[A man wearing a Custodians outfit runs up and hits Krendler with a broom on the head.  
  
Krendler slowly stands up, and stumbles around until he gets his balance.]  
  
Custodian- "He does that from time to time just hit 'em over the head real hard like and hell wake right up"  
  
[The Custodian walks off.]  
  
[Krendler picks up a piece of paper off Clarice's desk.  
  
He looks around for a moment with shifty eyes.]  
  
[Krendler- _ ]   
  
[He stuffs the paper in his mouth, and starts chewing.]  
  
[Krendler- Chew chew chew chew chew crunch gulp.]  
  
[Meanwhile Clarice is just staring at him.]  
  
Clarice- 0.0 "Umm are you hungry? You just ate a letter I was writing to the people who make my coffee. I suggested they start putting 6 shots of Vodka in my morning coffee."  
  
Krendler- "No, actually I'm not hungry. It was high quality paper."  
  
Clarice- [Blinks] "So. Anyway Krendler, what are you doing here?"  
  
[Krendler starts licking Clarices Desk.  
  
He climbs up on her desk and starts running his tongue around on it.]  
  
Clarice- "What the hell?!? They didn't fix you at all, did they?"  
  
[Krendler jumps off the desk and sits in her chair.]  
  
Krendler- "No, actually, they didn't. I've never been able to have kids. The doctor said something about "HES GOT NO GENITALS!" or something like that. Its some disorder that makes it hard for me to you know do the horizontal tango."  
  
[Clarice tries to kill herself by drowning in her coffee.]  
  
[Krendler takes this opportunity to eat another piece of paper.]  
  
[Clarice finally takes her head out of the coffee cup, realizing that there is no more coffee left. She tries to hold her breath until she passes out] .  
  
[Krendler continues to crumple up papers from her desk and stuff them in his mouth.  
  
After several attempts at unconsciousness, Clarice gives up.]  
  
Clarice- "Krendler, just tell me what your doing here!"  
  
Krendler- "I came to tell you this; We have reports that Dr. Lecter is back in the US, possibly in the area."  
  
[Clarice gasps.]  
  
Clarice- "GASP!"  
  
[Clarice gasps again.]  
  
Clarice- "GASP!"  
  
[She continues to gasp for several more minutes.]  
  
[Krendler takes out a Yo Yo and plays it with for a while. He's very bad at it, and by the time he's done, there is a multitude of fresh bruises all over his face.]  
  
Clarice- "Really? He's back? Here? In the US? Is he still sexy?"  
  
[Krendler pauses again.]  
  
Krendler- "Well I shouldn't be telling you this, but, several female operatives of mine have reportedly sighted Hannibal in the last week, and none of them have come to work. It seems that they all overdosed on sexahol. I can't explain it, because it's a lot of that complex medical crap."  
  
[Clarice immediately begins to comb her hair, and puts on enough makeup to make her look like a blind French whore who doubles as a mascot for Skittles. .  
  
(Legal Disclaimer: The phrase "French whore" and all insults derived from it are property of Holly G, as are all rights pertaining to the use and distribution of the phrase. Any misuse of the phrase "French whore" is punishable by death.)]  
  
[Clarice pauses and reads the legal disclaimer.]  
  
Clarice- "Hey this is my fucking story you cant tell me wha-" [A strange little girl flies out of nowhere making ninja noises, flies by Clarice's head, and then disappears.  
  
Somehow, there is a little yellow post-it note stuck to Clarice's forehead.]  
  
[Krendler blinks.]  
  
Krendler- "I swear to god I had nothing to do with that!"  
  
[Krendler grabs three more papers of her desk and then runs off.]  
  
[Clarice pauses, then pulls off the post-it note.]  
  
[She reads it out loud:]  
  
Clarice- 0.o "What the hell 'Dear Clarice, I would never hurt you, but seriously. Get your own damn material. French whore is not even funny. It is very derogative towards all those hard working French whores out there. Have a little respect. Hannibal could be French you know. Love, Holly. P.S. YOU KNOW YOU WANT ME!' wow that is odd."  
  
[Clarice sticks the note in a plastic FBI crime scene evidence bag and saves it for later.]  
  
Clarice- "Now back to more important issues! HANNIBAL!"  
  
[Clarice dashes out of her office, and sprints for her car.  
  
On her way there, she runs into Crawford.]  
  
Crawford- "Hey Clarice! Where are you going!? You are still at work, you know!"  
  
[Clarice barrels into him and shoves him to the ground.]  
  
Clarice- [gasps] "Cant stop now! Must find sex!"  
  
[Clarice runs to the parking lot and jumps into her car.]  
  
Clarice- "AHH Hannibal is here! And I don't have any bras! He's going to think I'm some kind of French whore!"  
  
[Holly appears in the seat next to Clarice, and slaps Clarice's forehead, then disappears.  
  
There is another Post-it note stuck to Clarice's forehead.]  
  
[She pulls it off and reads it out loud.]  
  
Clarice- "Dear Clarice, YOU WHORE! Stop using my word! Love, Holly. P.S. Call me sometime P.S.S. adopt me sometime."  
  
[Clarice blinks.]  
  
Clarice- 0.o "Is it possible to be stalked by a sexy cannibal, a ninja- like teenager, a fish-catching Amazon, and Paul Krendler and still lead a normal life?"  
  
[Suddenly holly appears on Clarice's hood.  
  
She breathes onto the windshield, making a little foggy spot.  
  
She takes her finger and writes 'NO, it isn't. P.S. I can tell I'm growing on you'.  
  
Then she disappears.]  
  
Clarice- "I bet my mom was doing all sorts of drugs when I was born."  
  
[Clarice pulls out of the parking lot, and drives off.] 


	5. Juicey Fruit

A/N: Wooha! Thank you for the reviews! We sure do hope this is keeping you amused! There will be much, MUCH more madness to come!!  
  
Disclaimers: The SAME! :: says like the Knight form Monty Python.....(which we don't own)::  
  
[Scene 5: All is tranquil outside of room 602 at the Super 8 Motel. However, in the dark of night, trouble is brewing. And, as we all know, trouble rides on four wheels and has no brain.]  
  
[Mason motors around the Super 8 parking lot on his wheelchair, Doing donuts and wheelies.  
  
Krendler is busy digging a potato sack out of the trunk of his car.]  
  
Krendler- "Damn it Mason! Cut that crap out! What are you, a retarded little cripple?  
  
[Mason pauses, and looks at Krendler.]  
  
[Krendler looks at Mason for a few moments, glancing at his little flippers, his fish mouth, and his wheelchair, which is covered in Pokemon stickers.]  
  
Krendler- "Ok, stupid question. But seriously, even crippled retards don't spin donuts on their wheelchairs in the middle of parking lots at midnight!"  
  
[They both hear a strange droning sound in the distance.  
  
Suddenly, from around the corner comes a whole herd of retards in wheelchairs. They drag race around the parking, laughing like a flock of stoned geese. They spin a few donuts, then motor off into the night.]  
  
Krendler- "I have no words at all to explain that. At all."  
  
[Mason drives up and bumps into Krendler's knee with his wheelchair.]  
  
Mason- "How abousht "Mashon, you're a shexy beasht, and your wheelshair makesh me want to shalivate all over shhhe parking lot?""  
  
[Krendler pauses, and then reaches into the trunk and pulls out the potato sack.  
  
Then he makes his way over to the stairs, heading to the second story of the motel.]  
  
[Mason turns and starts to motor after him] .  
  
Mason- "Paul, donsht ignore me! I want to hearshhh you shay it! "  
  
[Paul just keep going up the stairs, and then starts reading the numbers on the doors to find the right room.]  
  
[Mason drives up to the stairs at full speed.]  
  
['BUMP!']  
  
[ His wheelchair hits the first step and tips over, spilling mason out onto the ground.  
  
He flops around, hissing wildly.]  
  
Mason- "Ahhh! Kreshndler! Help me! Oh, how humiliating!"  
  
[Mason rolls around on the ground, completely helpless. His arms are flailing wildly, like soggy spaghetti in a hurricane.]  
  
[Krendler walks back to the top of the stairs and gasps.]  
  
Krendler- "Sweet angry fish eggs!"  
  
[Krendler barrels down the stairs, jumping over Mason's body. He reaches out and pulls the wheelchair into a loving embrace.]  
  
Krendler- "Oh my god! You god a scratch! I'm so sorry! I wont ever let that man hurt you again!"  
  
[Krendler picks up the wheelchair and carries it to the top of the stairs, then he sets it down. He pushes it gently along, making sure not to go fast.  
  
Mason, still sliming around at the bottom of the stairs, cries out.]  
  
Mason- "Krendler, you insheshitive bashtard! You jusht wait till I get up shere!"  
  
[Mason rolls over onto his side, parallel to the first step.  
  
He wiggles his body like a thin cake of Jello, and worms his up onto the next step. He keeps doing that until he flops his way halfway up the stair case.  
  
He is about to wooble his way up the next step, when he face gets stuck in some gum.]  
  
Mason- 0.o "argg damn you Juishy Fruit!"  
  
[Krendler appears at the top of the stairs.]  
  
Krendler- "Hey don't damn me! I didn't do anything!"  
  
[Mason sighs.]  
  
Mason- "I meant shhhe gum, idiot."  
  
[Krendler puts his hand over his heart.]  
  
Krendler- "Ouch, mason. Ouch."  
  
[Mason curses and tries to unstick his face.]  
  
Mason- [wiggle wooble.]  
  
[He starts to flail his bottom flippers (feet) like a fish does when there stuck to a hook.]  
  
Mason- "Krendler! Pleashe help me!"  
  
[Krendler sighs and walks down the stairs.  
  
He bends down and pushes mason, until his face peels off the gum.  
  
Mason, of course, losing his balance and rolls back down the step, flopping around like a squishy burrito getting used as a tennis ball.]  
  
[Krendler laughs his ass off, loses his balance, and also rolls down the stairs.  
  
On the way down, he hits his head, and his scalp, (which had been duct taped closed) pops open.]  
  
[He lands on top of Mason, at the bottom of the stairs, his head hanging open right above mason face.]  
  
[A little stream of sand trickles out.]  
  
Mason- 0.0  
  
[Krendler tilts his head and more sand pours out, as well as three clams and a hermit crab.]  
  
Mason- "Krendler, did you go to shhe oshean wishout me??"  
  
[Krendler gets up, closes his scalp, and stuffs all the clams in his pockets.]  
  
Krendler- "NO! Of course not!"  
  
[Krendler picks Mason up and puts him back into the wheelchair.  
  
Mason thanks him, and curses the name Paul.  
  
Satan refuses to do anything, because he doesn't want to handle Paul without his bio-suit on. Unfortunately, Satan had loaned out his Bio-suit to his neighbor, Jay Leno, and Jay had never brought it back.]  
  
Krendler- "Ok Mason, you just go wait in the car. Ill go finish up our mission."  
  
[A single tear runs down masons cheek.  
  
Of course, before it reaches his chin, mason's gill opens and sucks it in.  
  
Krendler backs up a few steps.]  
  
Mason- "Fhine ill go sssit in the car. Can you at leassht give me the keyssh ssho I can lisshten to the radio?"  
  
[Paul looks at Mason for a moment.]  
  
['SLAP!!!']  
  
Paul- "Don't whine, bitch!"  
  
[Mason, his heart broken, slowly wheels his way over to the car.]  
  
[Krendler goes back up the stairs and opens the door to room 602.]  
  
Krendler- "At last! My genius plan comes to fruition! Hannibal thought he locked up Clarice's bras nice and safe, but NO! He was wrong! Because I, Paul Krendler, have arrived! CLARICES BRAS WILL NOW BE MINE!"  
  
[Paul does the evil laugh thing for several minutes.  
  
When he opens his eyes, he sees dozens of little kids running out of the Hotel room, each carrying one of Clarice's bras.]  
  
Paul- "Oh damn.. I think I just created a generation of transvestites."  
  
[Mason screams from the car:]  
  
Mason- "Yeah! Probably becausshe they shaw YOUR TIE!"  
  
[Krendler cradles his tie.]  
  
Krendler- "Hey, Mason, you made this for me I thought it was special? "  
  
[A little kid runs up and tears off Krendler's tie, and runs off.]  
  
Krendler- "What an ironic turn of events. I come here to steal Clarice's clothes, but instead it is MY clothes that get stolen. I feel like whoever is writing this script is against me."  
  
[A gigantic tiger falls out of nowhere and grabs onto Krendler's neck with its teeth.  
  
It drags Krendler off into the night.]  
  
[Mason ends up sitting in the car all night without the keys.]  
  
[In the morning, Police show up to investigate reports of a theft, and they find Krendler shivering on the floor of the car.]  
  
[Of course, the first thing they do is search the car for drugs (donuts).  
  
Then they hand Krendler a dollar and drive to the nearest strip joint.  
  
(Ironically enough, that is the same strip joint where Hannibal spent that night. But GOD, don't tell Clarice. Shed be SO pissed.)] 


	6. Oh my gawd!

A/N: Woo, look there is more! The madness is not over yet! Moohahahah ::shuts up:: Okay, sorry.  
  
Disclaimers: Yep, we only own ourselves...  
  
(Scene 6: Clarice starling is inside of the local shopping mall, in a store across from Victoria's secret.)  
  
{Clarice is crouched behind a swimwear mannequin, every now and then peeking across at Victoria's Secret.]  
  
Clarice- "I have to get some bras and fast! But damn I have no money. I mean seriously, I work for he FBI. Most of the time we don't even use real guns. All those shootouts between us and drug dealers? We were using Nerf guns. We just got super lucky that cocaine explodes when it comes in contact with foam."  
  
[Clarice does a secret agent roll out from behind her mannequin, and ends up behind another mannequin.]  
  
Clarice- "Ok so all I have to is get inside, steal some bras, and get out, without anyone seeing me."  
  
[Someone taps Clarice on the shoulder.  
  
She turns around slowly, and gasps.]  
  
Clarice- "GRASS! I mean cough line?" [Someone hands her a script and she reads it over.]  
  
Clarice- "GASP! Jack Crawford? What are you doing here inside Old Navy?"  
  
[Crawford scowls.]  
  
Crawford- "I was mislead by the name. I thought it was a Navy store. But alas, not a juicy, hairy chested sailor in sight."  
  
Clarice- 0.0 "Crawford you...you...you are sick."  
  
[Crawford puts his hand over his mouth and giggles.]  
  
Crawford- "Oh yes I know, heehee!"  
  
[Clarice pauses, and realizes that there is no God.]  
  
[Suddenly, a Buddhist monk comes running up with a giant flame-thrower, and torches Crawford.  
  
Crawford falls to the ground on fire, screaming in agony.  
  
Another monk drops down from the roof and lands on Crawford. He pulls out a tommy gun, and shoots him multiple times in the back.]  
  
[Clarice watches all of this with a sick fascination.]  
  
Monk- "Now, Agent starling, would a priest have done that for you? I think not."  
  
[The monk runs off into the Khaki pants section and disappears.]  
  
Clarice- "I will never understand religion. Ever."  
  
[Clarice hides back behind the mannequin.  
  
She watches as a herd of cheerleaders walks by her window.]  
  
Cheerleader #1- "Oh my gawd, we should all go to Hot Topic!"  
  
[The rest of them squeal and shake their hands, forgetting that they don't have any pom poms.]  
  
[Clarice steps out from behind the mannequin and unloads six entire clips into the group of cheerleaders. By the time she's done, the cheerleaders are all laying on the ground stunned, covered in little suction cup Nerf bullets.]  
  
[The cheerleaders stand up, confused.]  
  
Cheerleader #2- (pulling off the Nerf Suction cups) "you- [pop]-know, maybe ill just go sit in the bathroom and cry."  
  
[The cheerleaders all run off squealing in fear, or pain, or laughter. Its really hard to tell, because all of their squeals sound the same; like a large Ostrich getting run over by a semi full of glass plates.]   
  
[Clarice jumps back behind the mannequin.]  
  
Clarice- "Oh, I hope no one saw me."  
  
[She waits there until everything calms down.  
  
She leans her head against the mannequin, trying to get conformable. Soon she falls asleep, and has a strange dream:]  
  
~~Clarice is standing alone in front of a hot dog stand. There is no one working the hot dog stand. Clarice is really hungry.  
  
Clarice- "I am soooo hungry. I wish I had a HOT DOG!"  
  
[Hannibal comes skipping around the corner in slow motion, hair blowing in the wind. Which means there's not a whole lot happening, cause lets face it, Hannibal aint as young as he used to be. Hell, in the old days, he had to use a hair net whenever he cut open people.]  
  
[Hannibal stops, and pats his head.]  
  
Hannibal- "Gee I'm going to have to start using Rogaine. "  
  
Clarice- "Hannibal! It's you! Oh my! I thought id never see you again!"  
  
[Clarice runs to Hannibal in slow motion, flowers flying everywhere and little cupids with poisoned arrows sniping off little children from atop trees.]  
  
Hannibal- "Clarice! My special Starling!"  
  
[They both run towards each other.]  
  
Clarice- "HANNIBAL, I love y-" ![SMACK!]  
  
[Clarice runs into a solid pane of glass, and falls over.]  
  
[Hannibal, who had been inside of the building, not outside, also smacks into the glass and falls over. They both roll around on the ground cursing clear objects.]  
  
[High up in the sky, Mason is sitting on his blimp (yes Krendler has gained a lot of weight) and laughing quite evily. ~~ ]  
  
[Clarice wakes up, her face smashed against the front window of the Old Navy Store.]  
  
Clarice- "Pfffucpk!"  
  
[She peels her face off the glass, leaving a huge smudge where her lips were.  
  
Outside a small crowd had gathered to watch.]  
  
[Several obnoxious tourists are taking pictures.]   
  
Clarice- (shaking her fist at the crowd) "GO AWAY! There is nothing to see here!"  
  
[Clarice's pants fall down.]  
  
Clarice- "Umm..well, fuck."  
  
[She dashes back into the old navy store, heading towards the dressing rooms.]  
  
Clarice- "Shit! Gotta hide! Gotta hide!"  
  
[Clarice barrels into the dressing room, rolling under one of the doors, into safety.  
  
She stands up, and feels something pressing against her back.]  
  
[She turns around slowly.]  
  
Hannibal- "Why Buffalo, Clarice."  
  
Clarice- "GASP! Hannibal its y- wait a minute what did you say?"  
  
[A hand reaches in, and hands Hannibal a script.]  
  
[Hannibal pauses and reads it.]  
  
Hannibal- "OH! Crap, my bad, guys!  
  
[He takes a deep breath.]  
  
Hannibal- "Why hello, Clarice."  
  
[Clarice GASPS again.]  
  
Clarice- "OMG! HANNIBAL! OMG! And you're in a dressing room not wearing pants! AND OMG! My pants fell off too! Isn't fate a funny thing?"  
  
[Hannibal pauses.]  
  
Hannibal- "Clarice, you are so mischievous. Losing your pants just so you could show me your panties."  
  
[Clarice looks down at her panties, which have a picture of Hannibal on the front.]  
  
[Clarice coughs and reaches under the dressing room wall, grabbing a pair of boxers that were in the dressing room next door. She puts them on.]  
  
Clarice- (poking Hannibal in the eye with her finger) "YOU SAW NOTHING!"  
  
[Hannibal laughs, and grabs Clarice's hands.]  
  
Hannibal- "Who ever would have thought we would meet next in the dressing room of an Old Navy?"  
  
A voice from the dressing room next door- "I did! I planned it all along!"  
  
[Hannibal and Clarice look at each other- o.0]  
  
Clarice- "Are you spying on us? Cause that's just weird."  
  
[The person next door gets down on the floor, and crawls under the dressing room wall, standing up inside of the same dressing room as Hannibal and Clarice.]  
  
Kate- "HI CLARICE!" [Kate waves.]  
  
Clarice- "Sweet angry packets of condensed artificial sugar! Its Kate!"  
  
[Clarice throws herself at the door, trying to bust it open and escape.]  
  
[Too bad for her the Old Navy store actually IS a U.S. Navy surplus store, and the dressing room doors are prototype hatches for the Navy's newest fleet of submarines, Code-named 'The yellow submarine, this time without all the acid trips'.]  
  
[Clarice curses.]  
  
Kate- "No Clarice, don't go! You and Hannibal just go ahead and do what you were going to do, and, don't get embarassed if I start to video tape it. Its only for uhh security purposes. Yeah that's it. Security purposes. "  
  
[Kate looks around with shifty eyes and snickers.]  
  
Hannibal- "You know, Twix are much better."  
  
[Both Clarice and Kate look at Hannibal- 0.0]  
  
[They pause.]  
  
[They both slap him extremely hard.]  
  
Clarice- "One more corny joke out of you and ill have to start using the WHIP!"  
  
[Hannibal drools.  
  
Kate videotapes it.]  
  
[Clarice gets out a bib and puts it on Hannibal , then turns to face Kate.]  
  
Clarice- "Now, listen Kate, I know I'm quite possibly the coolest person in the entire world, and YES, Hannibal is the sexiest man that ever lived, but still. You cant video tape us having sex!"  
  
[Kate looks at Clarice- 0.o]  
  
Kate- "Sex? You are going to have sex? I just thought you were going to draw funny pictures on the walls of the dressing room, and write the word 'penis' on it so that anyone who comes in here after you reads it and feels uncomfortable."  
  
Clarice- 0.0 "Kate, we would never do that! Graffiti is WRONG!"  
  
[Hannibal looks around with shifty eyes, and tries to erase where he wrote 'BOOB' on the wall in pen.]  
  
Hannibal- "Yeah! [Scrub scrub] Its wrong!"  
  
[Suddenly they hear a banging on the door of the dressing room.]  
  
A voice from the other side (no its not god, he wouldn't be caught dead at Old Navy)- "Excuse me, but there is only one person allowed in the dressing room at a time! I see three sets of feet in there, so unless you're a glowing nuclear monkey insect who's going to come out and eat me, two of you have to get out!"  
  
[Hannibal pauses.]  
  
Hannibal- "Do you think I could pass for a six legged nuclear monkey?"  
  
Clarice- "ONLY IN BED! AHAHAH!!"  
  
[Hannibal and Kate slap Clarice.]  
  
Hannibal- "That was even worse than mine, Clarice. Bad joke, bad joke."  
  
[Clarice lowers her eyes to the ground in shame.]  
  
Clarice- "I'm so sorry. It's just that I never get any of the funny lines and after a while it starts to hurt inside. I'm tired of being the bra-less bitch! For once I want to be the clown!"  
  
[Hannibal takes off his red ball nose.]  
  
Hannibal- "Clarice, being a clown isn't all it's cracked up to be. There's other drugs involved too!"  
  
[Kate swings her video camera around and slams Hannibal in the head with it. He falls over.]  
  
Kate- "No more corny jokes!"  
  
[Hannibal reaches up and hands her a piece of lettuce.]  
  
Hannibal- "There you go, then."  
  
[By now the Old Navy employee has had enough, and he unlocks the dressing room door.  
  
He looks up and sees Kate standing there, holding a video camera in one hand, a piece of lettuce in the other, standing above Hannibal, who is on his knees, not wearing pants, with the shape of a camera lens imprinted on his face. Clarice is standing behind them both, wearing boxers, and holding her Nerf gun pointed at the employee.]  
  
Employee- "Umm. Well gosh, what do I say this? Ummm."  
  
[He runs away, and is never seen again.]  
  
[When Clarice looks back around to find Hannibal, he is gone too.]  
  
Kate is also running off, holding Clarice's and Hannibal's pants in her arms and laughing insanely.  
  
Kate- "PANTS! Glorious pants! I will hang you on my wall, and name you Clarice Pant and Hannibal Pant, and we shall be friends forever!"  
  
[From out of nowhere, Holly flies in and tackles Kate, and they get in a big fight over the pants. It goes down in history as the bloodiest, most pantful war ever. Of course, that's not including the time Napoleon stole the pants off the Prince of England, but technically those weren't pants anyway. Those are called "knickers". And you have to smile when you say it.]  
  
[Clarice is left standing alone in the open dressing room, wearing a pair of boxers with a picture of Spongebob Squarepants on them.]  
  
[Clarice begins to whimper.]. 


	7. One Claricestyle Big Mac to go please

A/N: Whee! Here we have lots of character! Such as Xenia Onatopp, the Russian chick from Golden eye 007..that James Bond movie. Yeah, Kate and I have this inside thing with her and Clarice. This chapter is VERY kinky...so please don't get offended!  
  
Disclaimers: Nope, we don't own any of the characters in this scene! We just like using them in un-imaginable ways! We are bad people..meaning Jesse as in we. Heh heh.  
  
(Scene 7: Clarice is eating all alone at a fast food restaurant. She's in a very depressed and angry mood, and the screams and laughter of the little kids in the play area doesn't help at all.)  
  
[Clarice takes a bite out of her big Juicy McHannibal burger. Its actually a cheeseburger, but hey, Hannibal can be cheesy when he wants to be, and if you ask Clarice, he's got better buns than any burger I've ever met. As for sliced pickles, well, that's a little dirtier than even Clarice wants to get. Or is it...]  
  
Clarice- "Oh, my life is soo horrible. I wish I would just choke on this burger and die."  
  
[Ronald McDonald appears at the table across from Clarice.]  
  
Ronald- (grinning very maliciously) "That can be arranged. MWAHAHAHAH!!"  
  
[Clarice picks up her tray and moves to a table a few yards away.]  
  
Ronald- (sob) "Why do they always leave me?"  
  
[He runs off into the women's bathroom, crying.]  
  
[Clarice continues to chow on her burger, and be depressed.]  
  
[Some one sits down at the table next to her.]  
  
Clarice- "Oh fork, if that is some annoying family with a loud toddler I think I'm going to go insane that is if not already insane."  
  
[She turns around in her seat and looks at the Pink Panther.]  
  
Clarice- "I'm not insane, right?"  
  
Pink Panther- "No, no, of course not! You are a normal little girl. Your so normal who's normal?"  
  
[Clarice smiles sheepishly.]  
  
Clarice- "I am."  
  
[The Pink Panther nods.]  
  
Pink Panther- "That's right! You are! (Panther pauses) well I must be off. I do believe I have soiled myself."  
  
[Clarice goes back to eating her burger.]  
  
[Suddenly, the person next to her Gasps.]  
  
[Clarice turns to see what all the excitement is about, and comes face to face with Xenia Onatopp.]  
  
Xenia- "OMG! Clarice! It is you, my sexy little American fox!"  
  
Clarice- 0.0 "MEOW!"  
  
[Xenia pauses.]  
  
[Clarice blinks.]  
  
Xenia- "Clarice, so does that mean you're not glad to see me?"  
  
[Clarice reaches over and grabs Xenia's chest.]  
  
Clarice- "No, Xenia! This is wonderful! And you're still as perky as I remember!"  
  
[Xenia and Clarice run off towards the McDonalds Play Area.]  
  
[They both dive into the ball pit together.]  
  
Xenia- "Clarice I have missed you so much! Life is so boring without you around to uhh blow things up and shoot people and get down with me Russian style!"  
  
Clarice- "Well Xenia, I'm here for you!"  
  
[Xenia starts to take off her shirt.]  
  
[Clarice does so too, then pauses.]  
  
Clarice- "Xenia, does this make us lesbians?"  
  
[Xenia pauses.]  
  
Xenia- "Well, Clarice, you see, the thing about that is it's a complicated thing. You uhh.. There's no explanation. Its one of those, uhh..."  
  
[Clarice picks up a plastic ball and shoves it into Xenia's mouth.]  
  
Clarice- (putting her finger on Xenia's lips) "Quiet, you're ruining the mood."  
  
[Xenia spits out the ball.]  
  
[Xenia- 'PLOOP']  
  
[It hits Clarice in the eye. Drool splatters all over Clarice's face.]  
  
Clarice- "You have no idea how completely erotic that was."  
  
Xenia- (grinning) "Oh yes I do!" [She pauses] "No wait I don't. Tell m-" [Clarice tackles Xenia down. Balls fly everywhere.]  
  
Clarice- "Shut up and kiss me!"  
  
[Xenia puts her hand out, and holds Clarice away.]  
  
Xenia- "Couldn't you come up with a better line? That's so old and cliché. How about "BE SILENT AND SALIVATE ALL OVER ME!" or even "STOP USING YOUR TONGUE FOR VERBAL COMMUNICATION PURPOSES AND INSTEAD USE IT TO WHIP ME INTO SUBMISSION!"  
  
[Clarice pauses.]  
  
Clarice- "Hey, you know what? No offense but" [Clarice picks up another ball and stuffs it into Xenias mouth.] "I think we were making better progress this way."  
  
[Xenia nods.]  
  
[Clarice rips off Xenia's Shirt.]  
  
[Xenia rips off Clarice's pants.]  
  
[Clarice rips off Xenia's Pants.]  
  
[Xenia rips off Clarice's Shirt.]  
  
Clarice- (gasping for air) "Wow, Xenia, this is hard work. We should have worn less clothes."  
  
Xenia- "Imfots afow ibn gee fwoorbay!"  
  
Clarice- "Even when you sound like a retard with swollen tongue, you're still a sexy beast!"  
  
[Clarice collapses on Xenia with sexual fury (a tiger during mating season, lets say), and they proceed to knock most of the balls out of the ball pit with their wild, unrestrained, kinky, McDonalds style Lovemaking.]  
  
[After a few minutes, Clarice sticks her head up.]  
  
[The ball is now in her mouth.]  
  
[She spits it out, and it lands on the ground all crushed and broken.]  
  
Clarice- (looking at the ball- 0.0) "Damn, Xenia! Do work out with your tongue?"  
  
Xenia- "Oh not really, just a few minutes on the treadmill here, a few tongue push-ups there. Nothing serious."  
  
[Clarice sticks out her tongue and massages it with her hand.]  
  
Clarice- "Well.. wow. That felt more like an arm-wrestle than a make out... and I LOVED IT! Xenia, you complete me!"  
  
[Xenia pauses.]  
  
Xenia- "Whoa, there, Clarice. Back away from the Lesbian wedding cake. This is strictly a sexual relationship. I mean, romance is all well and good, but seriously Clarice, I don't have time for foreplay. I mean we are at a FAST food restaurant, right? I expect fast, reliable service. Ill take my Clarice-style Big Mac to go, please. And extra lettuce, cause I like things fruity!"  
  
Clarice- "Lettuce is a vegetable"  
  
Xenia- (slaps Clarice across the cheek) "OH CLARICE! KEEP TALKIN DIRTY TO ME! I LOVE IT!"  
  
Clarice- "No really, lettuce IS a vegetable. A fruit would be like and apple or something."  
  
Xenia- (Gasping) "OH GOD CLARICE! DON'T STOP NOW!!  
  
Clarice- "Because seriously, I mean don't tell me you've never looked at the food pyramid before."  
  
Xenia- (Digging her fingernails into Clarice's back) "CLARICE STARLING! YOU NAUGHTY GIRL! OH GOD! MORE!! MORE!!"  
  
Clarice- "You know, the one where sugars and fats are on top, then comes your meats and dairy products, and then your fruits and vegetables, and finally, your grains and wheat's and things like that are on the bottom."  
  
Xenia- (gasping and crying out loud) "OH! CLARICE! YOU ARE THE SUGAR ON TOP OF MY PYRAMID!"  
  
[Clarice pauses.]  
  
[She giggles.]  
  
[Then, her watch beeps.]  
  
Clarice- "Oh no! It's 6 AM! We were here all night! Crap! I gotta get to work!"  
  
[Xenia, having completely devoured her entire Clarice-Style Big Mac, begins to put on her clothes.]  
  
[Clarice stands up in a huge hurry.]  
  
Clarice- "No Xenia! No time for clothes! I'm already late!"  
  
[Clarice picks up Xenia and wraps Xenia's naked body around her torso, bending her arms around to cover her chest.]  
  
Clarice- "Xenia, let me tell you, you make a damn comfortable loincloth."  
  
Xenia- (grinning) "That's why I'm here, baby!"  
  
[Clarice runs and jumps in her car, wearing nothing but her Xenia-Thong.  
  
She Turns it on and speeds off to work.] 


	8. BATMAN!

A/N: Woo thanks for the reviews! Haha, isn't this fun!? Well, this one isn't AS funny cause the author was not in the happiest mood (damn his dad)! But it is till amusing!  
  
Disclaimers: Don't own ANYTHING..except ourselves and our ideas..no we don't own Batman or Robin.or yeah!  
  
Scene 7: Clarice Starling is at her house, eating a peaceful breakfast. (Corn Flakes, milk, and a piece of bread with lint on it. Don't ask how the lint got there, because you'll end up hearing a long tale about Clarice's mother, the brand new carpet, the day she got new shades for her windows, and time the old lady on the street cursed her for dropping a banana on the sidewalk.)  
  
[Clarice crunches away at her Corn Flakes, (which she spiced up with a little Absolute Vodka, of course. Yeah she's cool that way.)  
  
Clarice- "Oh boy, nothing like a little cereal and Russian liquor to get you up and going in the morning!"  
  
Clarice continues to eat her cereal.]  
  
[Outside, a strange dark figure appears on the path leading up to Clarice's front door.]  
  
[Holly is getting into even more mischief. I don't know who it was that sold her the ninja suit, but seriously folks, as If things weren't bad enough! The last thing Clarice needs is a stalker ninja. A Samurai maybe, cause they tend be more mild mannered, and much better cooks, but a ninja? No I don't think so. Might as well just release a live alligator in her bathtub. While she's taking a bath. Yeah. Bad idea, bitch.]  
  
[Ninjaholly runs up to Clarice's front door, and lays package on the ground. She runs to the doorbell and karate chops it.]  
  
Doorbell- "DiNg Dinzzzzppppp"  
  
[Sparks go flying everywhere.]  
  
[Ninjaholly stands there drooling all over the doorstep.]  
  
Ninjaholly- (drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip)  
  
[Clarice walks up and opens the door.  
  
Holly jumps up, licks her face, then runs off down the street, dropkicking the paperboy who was just happening to ride by at the time.]  
  
[Clarice looks around all confused.]  
  
Clarice- "A ninja licked me. I have been licked by a ninja. My cheek, licked by a ninja. I'm going to dwell on this for a while, cause I am really drunk and I can't think of anything else to say."  
  
[Several minutes pass.]  
  
Clarice- "Well ok then. Ohh. A package? For me? From the ninja? I always knew the Japanese people kicked ass. I mean seriously, they invented Flashing Seizure Robots! Is that not the coolest! And uhh not to mention origami. I don't want to even think about what sex would be like without origami. It'd be like cake without frosting, Conan O'Brien without his dippy little Irish Elvis hairdo. Yep Conan O'Brien and origami. Two things that are so alike, yet so different. Or wait why the hell do I get the image of a paper crane when I think about origami? Is there something about sex and birds that no one told me? Yeah paper is cool. oh I forget these things so easily. Anyway, I think the Russians kick ass."  
  
[Clarice walks over to pick up the package.]  
  
[Suddenly, she sets her foot in the puddle of drool that had collected on the sidewalk, and slips.  
  
She falls.]  
  
[And falls.]  
  
[She hits the ground, and blacks out.]  
  
[Clarice wakes up in a strange white room. There are beeps and weird noises in the background, and people talking.]  
  
[She opens her eyes, and people standing around her, but they are all blurry.]  
  
Clarice- "Urrrrgg where the hell who are you? Gloooobernarb. My head feels fuzzy. "  
  
[Slowly her vision goes back to normal, and she is able to see who else is in the room clearly.]  
  
[There is one man dressed like a doctor in a white coat, and then two strangers. One is dressed up like Batman, the other dressed like Robin, but he's in a wheelchair.]  
  
Batman- "Pleease let me see Clarice! We are good friends and she would be very angry if you didn't let us see her."  
  
Doctor- [looking at Batman suspiciously] "You... You are dressed like Batman. Are you trying to tell me she is good friends with Batman?"  
  
[Batman shrugs.]  
  
Batman- "Hell, who isn't?"  
  
Doctor- "Well I surely am not. Personally I'm of a Spiderman kind of guy. He can wrap me up in his web any day! MEOW!"  
  
[The doctor paws at the air, trying to be seductive.]  
  
Robin- [Drool.]  
  
[Batman turns to Robin.]  
  
Batman- "Did I see you just checking him out? DID I!? Damn it Mas- I mean Robin! How can we ever develop a solid relationship with you constantly going all sex-crazy with other men behind my back!"  
  
Robin- [Drools.]  
  
[The Doctor walks up to Robin and checks his pulse.]  
  
Doctor- "Ummm. 'Batman', I think he's dead. He has no pulse and he feels really cold and slimy.."  
  
[Batman looks over at Robin.]  
  
Batman- "No he's always like that. Even during se- ... I mean September. Yep. Every season of the year."  
  
[Batman looks around with shifty eyes.]  
  
[Robin drools.]  
  
[The doctor starts playing with one of Batman's ears.]  
  
Doctor- [grab, pull, release, twang! Grab, pull release twang! ]  
  
[(To anyone reading/and or hearing this, it sounds like Hannibal and Clarice god into a box of springs. Naked. )]  
  
Batman- 0.0 "Could you please stop that, you're making me nervous."  
  
[The doctor does it one last time.]  
  
Doctor- "Oh sorry, you know, all those old cat reflexes kicking in."  
  
[Robin drools and twitches. ]  
  
Batman- "DAMNIT MASON! That's it! I'm tired of your unfaithfulness! I'm tired of midnight trips to the gay bar, I'm tired of you hiring kinky little Asian butlers and chasing them into the closet when I'm not home! And most of all, I'm tired of you drooling all over your damn suit! It took me four hours to sew that Robin suit together, and in one hour you've got the whole thing soaking wet! Now it's going to shrink, and it's going to be VERY uncomfortable for you. Ever seen a fish wrapped in saran wrap? Yeah that's right, wiggle all you want, bitch, but it's off to the seafood cannery for you!!!"  
  
[Batman storms out of the room in a huge rage.]  
  
[Robin drools and rolls after him.]  
  
[The doctor pauses.]  
  
Doctor- "I swear to god, every time we get an FBI agent in here as a patient the weirdest people come to see them. Like the time that guy Mulder was in here. SIX TIMES he got visited by people in alien suits. SIX TIMES! Not to mention that beast Scully, but it was soooo obvious she wanted the aliens. I guess tentacles just turn her on..."  
  
[Someone taps the doctor on the shoulder.]  
  
[He turns around to see a man in a snazzy black suit, wearing a huge stovepipe hat.]  
  
Doctor- "Abe? Abe Lincoln? Is that you? You look younger and feistier than I imagined."  
  
[The man in the suit pauses.]  
  
Man in the suit- "Ok. That was just stupid. Damn. God. That was stupid. YOUR STUPID!"  
  
[He pokes the doctor repeatedly in the chest with his finger.]  
  
Doctor- (whimper) "Why are you doing this to me! I'm only a man!"  
  
[The man In the suit stops.]  
  
The Man In the Suit- "Yeah ok I'm sorry but I just take it really seriously whenever anyone talks about Abe Lincoln. I'm weird like that."  
  
[The man in the suit takes out a giant shiny meat cleaver and hacks off the doctors head.]  
  
The man in the suit- "Wow. That entire conversation seems so unnecessary now. Damn hippies."  
  
[He glares.]  
  
The man in the suit- "So anyway lets get down to business."  
  
[He takes the doctors white doctor coat, which is remarkably bloodless, and puts it on over his suit. He then reaches in his pocket and pulls out his own forged nametag, which he puts on the jacket.]  
  
[It reads 'Dr. Sexter'] .  
  
Dr. Sexter- "Yeah that's right, its me!"  
  
[He straightens his nametag very carefully, and looks damn sexy.]  
  
[A female nurse who happens to be walking be sees him and instantly folds an origami crane. (hint hint) (oh yeah that's sexual and you know it)]  
  
Dr. Sexter- "Soo.. I guess I better get over to see my patient."  
  
[He skips over to the bed where Clarice is laying.]  
  
[She is still very groggy, and has been fading in and out of consciousness.]  
  
Clarice- "Doctor... Gah..where am I?"  
  
Dr. Sexter- "As of right now, you are in my world baby!"  
  
Clarice- "But, I don't wanna' go to Croatia, doctor!"  
  
[Dr. Sexter pauses.]  
  
Dr. Sexter- "Hey now you must be on a whole lot of pain killers."  
  
Clarice- "No actually I'm not. I just thought id tell you that. See, a doctor patient relationship is based on trust. And if you cant trust me about my opinions on Croatia, then I might as well just leave."  
  
[The doctor gets a syringe and pokes Clarice with it.]  
  
Dr. Sexter- "From now on, when you talk or say something stupid, I poke you with my needle."  
  
[Clarice laughs.]  
  
Clarice- "No doctor, we can have sex here! Besides, your needle was so small I didn't even feel that."  
  
[Dr. Sexter pauses.]  
  
Dr. Sexter- "That was low, Clarice. Just low. Insulting the size of my needle. You know, it's not the size of the needle, its how you use it. And I know a thing or two about poking you with a needle."  
  
[Clarice pauses.]  
  
Clarice- "You know, you remind me of someone. A certain cannibal that I know."  
  
[The doctor puts away his needle. And also his syringe. (moohahaha)]  
  
Dr. Sexter- "Clarice, I think its time you know the truth. I am really-" [he pulls off the doctors overcoat.]  
  
Clarice- GASP! "Abraham Lincoln! Omg! Where's your hat?"  
  
[Hannibal curses, and pokes Clarice with the syringe.]  
  
Clarice- "OMG its you Hannibal! You're here! Omg! You know what! We should have sex right now. Take off your pants. NOW!"  
  
Hannibal- "Damn you are pushy Cla-" [She stabs HIM with a syringe.]  
  
[Hannibal starts to pull off his pants.]  
  
[Clarice claps and giggles.]  
  
[Just as his pants are almost off, the door to the hospital room opens.  
  
A doctor walks in. ]  
  
Doctor- "Who the hell are you?"  
  
[He points to Clarice.]  
  
Clarice- 0.o "Umm... I'm the patient."  
  
[The doctor glares at her.]  
  
Doctor- "Then who the hell is he?"  
  
[The doctor points to the decapitated body of the other doctor.]  
  
Clarice- "To tell you the truth, I'm not really sure."  
  
[The doctor looks at Hannibal.]  
  
Doctor- "And, last but not least, can I have your pants?"  
  
[Hannibal pauses, and looks at the doctor- 0.0.]  
  
Hannibal- "I dunno you see-" [he lunges at the doctor and tackles him.]  
  
[Clarice sits up in her bed and watches.]  
  
Clarice- "CAT FIGHT!"  
  
[Hannibal and the doctor roll around on the ground, trying to poke each other in the eye. The doctor grabs a clump of Hannibals hair and pulls.  
  
Hannibal gives the doctor a wedgie.]  
  
The doctor- "NEOOO! My children!" [he lays on the floor and twitches.]  
  
[Hannibal stands up and dusts of his palms.]  
  
Hannibal- "I learned that one in France. 'La Wedgeh' they used to call it."  
  
Clarice- "Oh Hannibal! That was sexy! I liked the part where you stripped!"  
  
[Hannibal looks down. He's still wearing all his clothes.]  
  
Hannibal- "Umm, Clarice I never stripped."  
  
[Clarice pauses.]  
  
Clarice- "You didn't? Damn. Well. You know what's sexy Hannibal? You. Take off your clothes."  
  
[Hannibal pauses.]  
  
Hannibal- "Clarice, you take all the romance out of-"  
  
Clarice- "NOWWWW!"  
  
[Hannibal takes off his pants.]  
  
Hannibal- "Ok. Well. There they go. Pants are gone."  
  
[Clarice claps her hands.]  
  
Clarice- "Now dance for me."  
  
[Hannibal starts to do the Macarena.]  
  
[Clarice giggles and you know HOT HOT HOT!]  
  
Hannibal- "Clarice, you know this is kind of awkward. All the other doctors are watching. And there's a guy dressed as Batman standing outside the window staring."  
  
Clarice- "Oh yeah. Well, he's a bat right? So its not like he can be enjoying this to much."  
  
[Hannibal glances over at the window.]  
  
[Batman is rubbing against the glass, licking it in giant circles.]  
  
Hannibal- "Uhh, Clarice..."  
  
[Just then Crawford walks in.]  
  
Crawford- "Holy shit! Your that guy I know!"  
  
[He is pointing to Batman.]  
  
Hannibal- "Uh oh."  
  
[Crawford sees Hannibal.]  
  
Crawford- "OMG! HANNIBAL!" [He points at the window again.] "Look Hannibal! Its Batman!"  
  
[Clarice sighs.]  
  
Clarice- "And people wonder why the FBI has gone so far down the drain."  
  
[Hannibal runs out the door before Crawford has the chance to realize that he just came face to face with the world's hungriest fugitive.]  
  
Crawford- "Wait a minute. Was that Hannibal Lecter? He was just here, wasn't he? Damn I didn't get his autograph. " [Crawford points out the window again.] "OMG! Its Batman!"  
  
[Clarice sighs and stabs herself with a needle full of morphine.] 


	9. Bubbleslots of them

A/N: Okay! Here is chapter 9..yeah sorry it took so long, I was just lazy to post it. But this has a lot of things that are probably offensive. Please don't get angry, it is just for fun. And excuse the language. There will be but one last chapter after this. Enjoy!  
  
Disclaimers: Nope, don't own em'...but if we did. Oh wow..do you know how much fun we would have with them?! * evil laugh *  
  
(Scene 9: Clarice just got released from the hospital. Well, technically she wasn't released, the doctors actually wanted to keep her. You know how they are.)  
  
(Earlier that day at the hospital)  
  
[Clarice gets up from her hospital bed, and tries to sneak out the window.]  
  
Doctor - "Hey you can't leave! We aren't done touching you yet!"  
  
[Nurse slaps doctor #1.]  
  
Nurse- "DUDE! Shut up! Don't worry Clarice, he's just making stuff up. The REAL reason we want you to stay is because we like to touch you while your sleeping."  
  
Doctor- "Umm, that's exactly what I just said, dumb ass."  
  
Nurse- "Was it? I thought you said we hadn't bought her a wedding gift yet."  
  
Doctor- (slaps doctor #2) "Now why the hell would I say that?!"  
  
Nurse- "Are you saying you wouldn't buy her a wedding gift?"  
  
Doctor- "No that's not what I meant! I mean I'd certainly get her like a toaster or something but it's not her wedding?"  
  
Nurse- "Oh so you think you can call HER wedding off just because you're a doctor?"  
  
Doctor- "No you're not getting my point! She not going to get married!"  
  
Nurse- "Oh, so you think this all just a sham so they can get a free toaster? You are a suspicious little bastard, you know."  
  
Doctor- "NO! I wouldn't get her a toaster anyway! I wouldn't get her anything!"  
  
Nurse- "Your such and asshole doctor. Were you abused as a child?"  
  
Doctor- "Listen, what does a toaster have to do with me being abused?"  
  
Nurse- "Don't ask me, I'm not the doctor. Maybe you dropped your moms toaster and she beat you with soggy bread or something."  
  
Doctor- "Are you accusing me of being a klutz? Besides, I am very good at operating toasters."  
  
Nurse- "Didn't your house burn down last year after you tried to cook the thanksgiving turkey in your toaster?"  
  
Doctor- "IT WAS A BIG TOASTER!"  
  
Nurse- "Uh huh. Sure it was doctor. A big toaster, right."  
  
Doctor- "If I had a toaster right now I'd throw it at you."  
  
Nurse- "Yeah and you'd probably MISS!"  
  
(Meanwhile, Clarice is already a mile from the hospital, standing on a street corner trying to wave down a taxi.)  
  
[After about ten minutes, a big beat up old yellow taxi comes to a stop.]  
  
[She hops in.]  
  
Clarice- "Umm, Hi id like to go to the Super 8 motel."  
  
Taxi driver- "You know, I did not leave Afghanistan just be bossed around by mean ass American sexy foxes like you!"  
  
Clarice- 0.o.  
  
[She looks at the taxi driver in confusion. He is a big fat man, with a bottle of Jack Daniels propped up against the steering wheel and a package of cigarettes on the dashboard.]  
  
Clarice- "Umm, I'm very sorry, sir, but I do need to get there. Hi, I'm Clarice."  
  
Driver- "I am Jeeseh Ishlamafoobin."  
  
Clarice- "So, Mr. Sloppyfoodbin, your from Afghanistan?  
  
Driver- "No. I from Arizona."  
  
Clarice- "Oh but you just said-"  
  
Driver- "I AM FROM ARIZONA!"  
  
Clarice- "Oh ok.. well, what's it like in Arizona?"  
  
Driver- "I would not know. I from Canada.I born under maple tree and salute Avril Lavigne with my wang while eating waffles and laughing about de time my fathers moose ate my auntie's brother."  
  
Clarice- 0.0 "oh ok, wait. YOUR WANG?"  
  
Driver- "Did I say wang? I meant to say hand. You are a very tricky person, always making my wang and my hand switching places."  
  
Clarice- "Um you know I think I want to get out."  
  
Driver- "Dese doors, dey do not open. Only from the outside. You talk to me now, and we talk more about Canada. You go to Canada?"  
  
Clarice- [getting slightly nervous] "No I've never been to Canada, Mr. Shipnoodleburp."  
  
Driver- "You do not have to call me Mr. Just call me Daddy."  
  
Clarice-"Umm, ok Daddy. I've never been to Canada."  
  
Driver- "I not your daddy. Stop trying to seduce me, you tricky little sexy American pickle of sex."  
  
Clarice- "I.... I wasn't tricking you."  
  
Driver- "I do not want to talk about dis anymore. Telling me about where you grew up, CarFeces."  
  
Clarice- "Ummm my names Clarice."  
  
Driver- "Oh I am sorry. Anyway, so back in Canada we would hunt mooses all de time. Most of time, all we had was fork, because Canada not look to kindly on knives and guns. When hunt moose with fork, Most important ting to sneak up from behind. Sometimes, if also having spoon, you can hit de moose over de head to make fall over, den jump on it, and fighting it till de moose no longer fighting back. Den you take de moose, soak it in honey, and let dry for eight hour. By de next upping of de sun, de moose will have hardened, and everyone in family come for yummy moose honey-sicle. Dat is why Canada is better den US. Canada have freezeing moose carcass to eat on cold morning. In US, you have no moose. Your have Prairie Dogs. You can not dip prairie puppy in honey, because prairie puppy lick off honey. Den you have shoot prairie puppy, and kid cry. So you see, Canada kick ass of de US."  
  
Clarice- [Whimpers] "Please let me out of here!"  
  
Driver- "Do not worry, little sexy pickle, we be at de hotel in no time at any. I driving very fast, like racecar. Six children I kill already. Police not like it, but I tink we agree dat dey make funny noises when face hit windshield."  
  
Clarice- "ummâE¦. Well yeah I have to agree with you one that."  
  
Driver- "Of course you do, my little raisin bagel with cream cheese! Everybody like hit children. In Canada, if you do not hit children, president come after with very big spoon. He crazy like Barbara Walters. Watching much 60 Minutes bad for Canada. Barbara put President in violent trance and making him kill everyone. Sadly, Barbara also crazy and we find her some whiles dumping bodies in our lakes. We letting her, because she Canadian native. Born from swamp monster in Lake Winnipeg. We don't want keep her, but de swamp monster very powerful politician in US, and threaten Canada if we make Barbara leave. And dat is story of how my mother start loving pottery classes. Here we are at hotel. You get out and pay me money, and I thank you and promise not run you over."  
  
[Clarice got out of the car and ran.]  
  
[Sadly, she was still in a upper-body brace from hurting her sternum and back, so she couldn't really a whole lot. It looked like a cat with a stiff back trying to salsa dance.]  
  
[Finally she made it around the corner of the hotel and hid there until she was sure the taxi was gone.  
  
She went up to the second story, and found the door to the room she wanted.]  
  
Clarice- "room 602, finally I made it. Hannibal's room."  
  
[Clarice thinks about the sexiest way to get into his room.]  
  
Clarice- "Well lets see. I could get naked, steal a hang glider, wait until he steps outside, the BAM pick him up and carry him to my secret sex palace in the sky!"  
  
[Clarice laughs for several minutes.]  
  
[Then she pauses.]  
  
Clarice- "I shouldn't have drank that taxi drivers Bourbon."  
  
[She starts to think again, this time about things that are a little easier.]  
  
Clarice- "Ok so, I guess I could get out my gun, kick down his door FBI style, and pretend to arrest him on charges of Indecent exposure. If he protests, ill take his pants, and it really will be indecent exposure. After a few pictures and pat downs, hours and hours of wild sex will ensue.  
  
Yep ok that works."  
  
[Clarice takes out her gun and gets ready to kick the door.]  
  
[She tries to lift up her leg to kick, but she cant. She has the plastic torso brace on.]  
  
Clarice- "FUCK! Or really, the absence thereof."  
  
[She pauses.]  
  
Clarice- "Yeah that was bad. But still! How am I supposed to storm in all sexy now?"  
  
[She ponders.]  
  
Clarice- "Well I guess I could try throwing myself at it and breaking it down that way."  
  
[Clarice runs at the door.]  
  
['THUD.']  
  
[She falls over.]  
  
[She spends a few minutes on her back like a turtle, then realizes that Hannibal isn't going to come out and help her, so she gets back up.]  
  
Clarice- "Damn that obviously wont work. "  
  
[Just then and old couple in their eighties walks by.]  
  
[Clarice has an idea.]  
  
Clarice- "Hey, old wrinkly dude and old saggy chick, can you help me for second?"  
  
[The wrinkly dude pauses.]  
  
Wrinkly dude- "Yeah I guess so. What is it you need lass?"  
  
Clarice- 0.o "Did you just call me an ass?"  
  
Wrinkles- "No, good heavens I did no such thing! How dare you accuse me of such language!"  
  
Clarice- "wow dude your right I do want a sandwich."  
  
[The old man twitches.]  
  
Wrinkles- "That is not what I said, miss. I do believe you are drunk!"  
  
Clarice- "You had sex with a skunk? Wow man, I mean I know your old lady smells bad, but that's kinda harsh."  
  
Wrinkles- 0.0  
  
Clarice- "So anyway back to you guys helping me. I need you to pick me up, and slam me into that door, like a log. Ok. Imagine I'm a big pickle shaped log."  
  
Wrinkles- "Fuck, bitch, your talking some wacked out shit. You sure you wanna break into this run down hizzy?"  
  
Clarice and Wrinkles wife- 0.0  
  
Wrinkles- "I mean-" [he coughs] "Pardon me, madam, but don't you think that's breaking the law?"  
  
Clarice- "I just got out of a hospital where I was touched in places I didn't even know I had by some old doctor. I just rode in a taxi for a whole hour with a drunk Saudi who thought he was Canadian, and told me several disturbing stories involving spooning little children to Barbara Walter's Moose. Or something like that. Anyway my point is, DO IT OR ILL KICK YOUR ASS!"  
  
[The old man and woman each grab one of Clarice's arms, pick her up, and thrust her at the door headfirst. The door broke open, and Clarice flew inside, miraculously landing right on the bed.  
  
Then the old couple ran off.]  
  
Clarice- "How convenient! I landed on the bed! OMG! Hannibal he isn't in here!"  
  
[She curses.]  
  
Clarice- "Where the hell is my sexy man panda! If I don't start feeling something stroking me in ways that would make a porn star feel guilty in the next thirty seconds, I'm going to have to kill someone."  
  
[Then Clarice sees the note on the other pillow.]  
  
Dear Clarice,  
  
I'm sure you'll be reading this sometime while I'm gone, because I know that your sexy like that, and you'll undoubtedly end up on my bed. Feel free to walk around naked, maybe do some yoga, because there is absolutely NO video cameras installed in my room. None. At all. Zero. There is cheese in the fridge, but don't open the vegetable drawer. I stuck Paul in there and he's been unusually violent these last few days. Last night he attacked my while I was stealing his spleen, and he swallowed my scalpel. He wasn't dead when I left this morning, so I guess it didn't do too much damage. If he does die and starts to stink up the room, call Roto-Rooter. I know my fridge isn't the toilet, but Krendler is the kind of thing they usually have to deal with in their line of work. Now I hope I didn't completely ruin your sexual mood by talking about Roto-Rooter, but incase I did here's something to keep you in the mood until I get back. I'm going to buy cowboy boots and a whip. Yep. That's right. I'm joining the rodeo. You're my horse, and the bed is our stadium! YEEEHAW! So anyway, Clarice, have fun in my room, and once last thing. Don't look in the closet. Tata,  
  
With much Sex and Love,  
  
Your super ultimate king and queen and prince and grandfather and super muscular warrior of all things genital and kinky and orgasmic and sex, Hannibal Von Sexcowboy  
  
[Clarice stuffs the letter down her shirt, and looks around with shifty eyes.]  
  
Clarice- "Well, I guess- Wait a minute. What could be in the closet?"  
  
[She tiptoes over to Hannibal's closet, and throws open the door.]  
  
Clarice- "GASP! ITS.... A CLOSET!"  
  
[She pauses.]  
  
Clarice- "Wait. Why does Hannibal have bras in his closet? OMG. He's GAY! NOOOOOOEEOEOEOEEOEEOEOEOEOEO!!! AHH! I should have known when he started talking about cowboys! OMG NO!! This is horrible! AHH! AHH! AHHH! AHHH! Now where will I go for sex!? Oh yeah Xenia ok, that's cool. But still, this cuts my Maximum Sex Potential down by half. Plus, Hannibal was just damn sexy. Every gay cowboy in Texas is gonna be all over him!"  
  
[She pauses.]  
  
Clarice- "Hell, its Texas so my guess is EVERY cowboy will be all over him! NOOOO!!!!"  
  
[Clarice breaks down crying on the floor.]  
  
[She gets the carpet all wet.]  
  
Clarice- "Ow. My heart. I think my heart is broken!"  
  
[She sits up.]  
  
Clarice- "Oh never mind, it was a thumbtack digging into my chest. But still. OW!"  
  
[She cries.]  
  
[Then she takes a closer look at the bra.]  
  
Clarice- "Hey I have a bra just like this how strange. Me and the man I have sex with both wear the same size bra. That really makes me want to go lesbian. As in wow."  
  
[Clarice looks through all the other bras.]  
  
Clarice- "OMG these are all like mine! He must have stole them from the same- [cough] I mean BOUGHT them from the same store as I did. Hey wait a minute."  
  
[Clarice's examines one of the white bras very closely.]  
  
Clarice- "That looks the Jelly stain on my bra that I got the day I was trying to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in bed."  
  
[Clarice gasps.]  
  
Clarice- "And this bra has that burn mark on it from the night I tried to, well I wont get into that. Let me just tell you that Xenia is kinda a pyromaniac. Yeah."  
  
[Clarice finally realizes what is going on here.]  
  
Clarice- "OMG! It was Hannibal that stole all my bras! That thieving sexy horny suave manbeast with all his little nooks and crannies and other various instruments which come in handy all the time!"  
  
[She pauses.]  
  
Clarice- "Ok wow I cant stay mad at him! He's Hannibal! But still, heh Hannibal was touching my bras. Hannibal touched my bras... OMG, HANNIBAL TOUCHED MY BRAS!!"  
  
[She puts on every single bra in the entire closet. By the time she gets them all on, she is almost able to open the fridge from way back by the bed with her boobs.]  
  
Clarice- "Ok now that is mad skill. Heh, Hannibal touched my bras, Hannibal touched my bras."  
  
[Clarice starts singing that.]  
  
[Five hours later, after she had written down the lyrics and music to five separate songs about bras, Clarice is tired.]  
  
Clarice- "Wow I need a shower, all this talk of bras and sex and torture and whipping and licking a layer of jelly off of Hannibal's-" [pause]"-cat. Hannibal's cat. Who doesn't like to lick Hannibal's cat? Hannibal has a very lickable cat. Yep. How I love Hannibal's cat."  
  
[She looks around with shifty eyes and heads off to the shower.]  
  
[Hannibal pulls up outside the hotel in his kick-ass '72 Volkswagen Van with big flowers on the doors. (Yeah Hannibal ate a hippie and stole his car, so what? Hannibal eats a lot of things.) ]  
  
Valet Parking Guy- "May I take your skin?"  
  
[Hannibal pauses.]  
  
[Valet Blinks.]  
  
Valet- "Did I say skin? I didn't mean skin. I said chin. I like your chin. It was a complement. You have a sexy chin. Yes."  
  
Hannibal- "I didn't realize Super 8 Motel had Valet parking."  
  
[The valet pauses.]  
  
Valet- "Its this new thing they started. It makes the customers happier when it rubs lotion on its skin. I mean on its car. I'll rub lotion on your car. Do you want me to rub lotion on your car? You have a dry car."  
  
[The valet looks around with shifty eyes.]  
  
Hannibal- "No thank you, I think I can lotion my own car."  
  
Valet- "oh ok, umm let me have your keys and I'll make sure not to scratch your supple skin. I mean your car. I wont scratch your supple car. Supple car? Did I say supple? I mean, Uh Apple car. If your car were an apple, I wouldn't scratch it. That's how good I am. Yep yep."  
  
Hannibal- "Umm, well I'm not sure if I trust you that much. You seem like a weird guy."  
  
Valet- "A guy? Do I look like a guy? But,you could see me as a girl right? I mean I have that figure. I have a high pitched voice. I DON'T WANT MY PENIS ANYMORE!"  
  
Hannibal- 0.0 " I think that ill just park my car on the sidewalk."  
  
Valet- "Damn. Damn. Damn. Now ill just curse and pet my Precious. Yes. My Precious."  
  
Frodo baggins- "What bitch? YOUR precious? That shit is my bling bling! I had to bust caps in this little bitch Golem to get that shit, so you bettah hand it over, or Ill kick your ass!"  
  
Valet- "Dude, your like four feet tall and you haven't even hit puberty yet. Your don't even have to TRY to be feminine, you already are!"  
  
Frodo- "Cheap shot bitch, I have too hit puberty!"  
  
[Frodo lifts up his foot.]  
  
Frodo- "See that hairy shit! I have to shave that shit every day, BITCH!"  
  
Valet- "Fuck that, I saw more hair on yo moms feet last night!"  
  
[A bunch of people in the background- "oooohhh" "oohhhh" "Burn!"]  
  
[Meanwhile, Hannibal has parked his van and is walking into his room. He sees that the door is knocked open.]  
  
Hannibal- "Well, Clarice must have been in quite a hurry."  
  
[Hannibal walks in, and hears someone in the shower.]  
  
Hannibal- "Aw, Clarice, you entice me. Your are like a big wet Twinkie laying unwrapped for me in my own bathtub."  
  
[Hannibal pauses, and wishes he hadn't said that.]  
  
[He slowly creeps into the bathroom.]  
  
[Inside the shower, he sees the silhouette of a person washing herself.  
  
Strange, Hannibal thought, Clarice must be wearing a shower cap because he couldn't see her hair.]  
  
[He giggles and creeps closer to the shower.]  
  
[He hears her humming to herself, and smiles.]  
  
[He reaches out and pulls back the curtain in one swift movement.]  
  
Hannibal- "Why hello Cla- HOLY SHIT OMG HOLY SHIT OMG HOLY SHIT!"  
  
[Krendler drops his soap.]  
  
Hannibal- "AHHHHHH!! MY EYES! MY EYES!! SOMEONE SHOOT ME! SHOOT ME!!!"  
  
Krendler- "Hannibal, cant you see I'm trying to shower? Oh and damn, I dropped the soap."  
  
[Hannibal starts flailing in pain. He hits his head on the sink and falls over.]  
  
Hannibal- "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"  
  
[He staggers to his feet, grabs the bottle of shampoo, and slams it against Krendler's skull. Shampoo squirts out all over the entire room, including Hannibal.]  
  
Krendler- "Ow! Damnit Hannibal, if your want me on the floor just ask!"  
  
Hannibal- 0.0 0.o o.o o.0 0.0 "IM GOING TO KILL YOU!"  
  
[Hannibal jams the shampoo bottle down Krendler's throat  
  
Hannibal grabs Krendler by the arms throws his across the bathroom, and he slams into the wall.  
  
Hannibal is basically like a shampoo covered Hulk (This is actually a script for a commercial for Loreal Kids Shampoo, but yeah. I stole it and put it to better use.) ]  
  
[Krendler his the wall and slides down to floor, where he lay limp, covered in foamy shampoo thank god.]  
  
Hannibal- "Now to kill myself!"  
  
[Hannibal turns to walk to the kitchen, but runs into Clarice, who was just walking into the bathroom to see what all the commotion was about.]  
  
Clarice- "OMG Hannibal, your home! And the entire bathroom is one giant pit of soap bubbles. You know what's funny? I could sooooo see us having sex in that right now."  
  
[Hannibal blinks.]  
  
[He reaches down, grabs Krendler, and flings his body out the door, then slams the door and locks it.]  
  
[By the time he turns around, Clarice is already undressed.]  
  
Clarice- "Hannibal, its time to let me touch your bubbles."  
  
Hannibal- "That was so pathetic and kinky! Take me now, Clarice!"  
  
[They make sweet bubbly love, and wake up in the morning with the cleanest, most moisturized and conditioned hair ever. And I'm not just talking about head hair. Sadly they both also swallowed huge amounts of shampoo, and spent the next day sick in bed. And by sick in bed I mean yeah they got down and dirty. Again. And again. And again. And again and again....] 


	10. The Endgood god

A/N: Woo! Well, here you go folks. The last chapter!..Or is it?! A little surprise for you at the end! Sorry for the delay!  
  
Disclaimers: Don't own anything except ourselves. We added more characters. This is such a random chapter..  
  
(Chapter 10: Clarice and Hannibal are in Hannibal's hotel room doing dirty, erotic things in bed.)  
  
Clarice- "Omg Hannibal that's the perfect place to put that!"  
  
Hannibal- "I know! It fits like a glove!"  
  
Clarice- "Its cause they were made to be together, Hannibal. God meant it to be this way."  
  
(God- "Yeah I'm sick like that.")  
  
Hannibal- "OH YES! Ill just stick this in right here.and oops got a little spillage."  
  
Clarice- "Oh don't worry ill just lick that right off."  
  
Hannibal- "Oh now watch your tongue! If you lick it, it'll get soggy."  
  
Clarice- "Oh a little saliva never hurt it. Besides, its so hard I don't think it CAN get soggy."  
  
Hannibal- "You'd be surprised how fast they can go from hard and crispy to soft and sad."  
  
Clarice- "Well that's why we should be doing this in the kitchen. We don't want to make a mess on your bed."  
  
Hannibal- "This isn't the kind of thing the hotel wants to be done on the kitchen tables."  
  
Clarice- "That's true and Hanni, be careful, your meat is getting all over me."  
  
Hannibal- "Oh sorry, was never good at holding on to my meat."  
  
Clarice- "Oh your just afraid of a little mess its no big deal. See? The meat can be juicy, but it feels good on your hands."  
  
Hannibal- "You know Ill let you handle my meat from now on. Ill stick to opening up your squishy little package of hot sauce."  
  
Clarice- "Ok you do that but don't get it all on your fingers because once it gets on your fingers it'll end up all over everything."  
  
Hannibal- "This time I'll wash my hands afterwards."  
  
Clarice- "Ok that's good. And hmm, are you ready to use those?"  
  
Hannibal- "Well they are still juicy so I don't see why not. Just be careful not to squish them. Obviously this wont work with out them."  
  
Clarice- "Ok yeah so ill just grab those two plump little tomatoes... and wow Hanni these are very big."  
  
Hannibal- "Yeah I know that's why there's always that bulge down there."  
  
Clarice- "Oh I thought it was just coconut or something. Of course, then you gotta' wonder why you'd be keeping a coconut in there."  
  
Hannibal- "Yeah that would squish all the other stuff. And nothing ruins this like a smooshed package of meat and leaking fruits."  
  
Clarice- "Its because the hotel fridge's are so damn small. I mean they don't even give you place to put tomatoes."  
  
Hannibal- "Well they are also not expecting you to put a coconut in there either!"  
  
[Hannibal and Clarice are sitting on Hannibal's bed making home-made tacos. Why? What did you think they were doing?]   
  
Clarice- "I hope these tacos turn out good, for all the work we are putting into them."  
  
Hannibal- "Well its nice to get down and dirty with food for once. I've never felt a taco shell like this before."  
  
Clarice- "Yeah everything is different when you have to do it by hand. You can't pay people to do it for you. Besides, when you go around buying tacos from just anyone, you never when it will contaminated and you'll get and STD."  
  
Hannibal- "You know getting a 'Sick Taco Disease' has always been one of my worst fears."  
  
Clarice- "Well that's why you always wear the rubber gloves when making tacos."  
  
Hannibal- "But we aren't wearing gloves."  
  
Clarice- "That's because we are both clean. You don't have Hole In Vegetable do you?"  
  
Hannibal- "Nope. My head of lettuce is clean. I ran it under cold water."  
  
Clarice- "You know I heard that makes it shrink."  
  
Hannibal- "Sometimes it does, but here, feel it. It's as big as ever, right?"  
  
Obviously, these are some damn good tacos. I wish I could get a piece of that.  
  
Clarice- "Well we are just about done. Just a few finishing globs of hot sauce add a little cheese..."  
  
[Just then, someone knocks on the hotel room door.]  
  
Hannibal- (Sets down his taco) "Now who the hell could that be?"  
  
Clarice- "Go see."  
  
Hannibal- "But I don't have any pants on!"  
  
Clarice- "Is it my fault that you like cooking naked? No, it isn't. Although I can't say I don't enjoy it. A lot."  
  
[Hannibal stands up.]  
  
Hannibal- "I don't know where I put my pants."  
  
Clarice- "Just improvise."  
  
[Hannibal looks around the room. He sees a brown paper grocery bag that he used to buy the taco materials from Albertsons. He picks it up, and sticks both his legs through the bottom, pulling the big up his legs until his lower torso area is safely concealed inside the bag.]  
  
Clarice- "Watch out for paper cuts."  
  
Hannibal- "Don't scare me like that!"  
  
[Hannibal walks over and opens the door.]  
  
Hannibal- "Holy fucking son of a German Nazi cow! Jack Crawford? What the hell are you doing here?"  
  
[Crawford is standing outside the door. (Obviously. Where else would he be? ON the door?)]  
  
Crawford- "I just learned you were staying at this hotel from Mr. Krendler, and I had to come visit. Where are your pants?"  
  
Hannibal- "What are you talking about? I am wearing pants!"  
  
Crawford- "Well your 'pants' say Albertsons right across the crotch, and uh they don't cover much. Did you leave a banana in the bag, or is that just."  
  
Hannibal- "IT'S A BANANA! Ok stop asking about my fruit! If I like to wear brown paper pants with Albertsons on them and a banana in my crotch that's my decision, not yours!"  
  
Crawford- "Well.ok.but.your kiwi's fell out."  
  
Hannibal- (glare) "I wish you wouldn't call them kiwis... that's so not masculine. A kiwi is what you'd call Krendler's. I prefer to call mine 'Pineapples'. Think about the name for a moment and you'll get it."  
  
Crawford- 0.0 "No really, Dr. Lecter, some Kiwis fell out of the bag."  
  
[Hannibal looks on the floor between his feet, and sees three kiwis.]  
  
Hannibal- "Now either that's a very strange way to start a foot fetish, or these kiwis are just sick."  
  
[Hannibal picks up the kiwis and hands them to Crawford.]  
  
Hannibal- "Here, you look like you need kiwis in your pants more than I do. And if you'll excuse me, Agent Starling has to peel my banana."  
  
[Hannibal turns and starts to close the door.]  
  
[Crawford jumps inside before Hannibal closes it.]  
  
Crawford- "No wait, don't make me leave. I'm so lonely. I feel like Carlos at straight bar."  
  
Hannibal- [Twitch]  
  
Hannibal- "Ok, Crawford. I'm too horny right now to get pissed at you, but- " (Twitch)"-If you don't leave I'm going to be forced to that's right, CALL YOUR MOTHER!"  
  
Crawford- 0.0  
  
Crawford- "NEEOOOO!! She'll spank me and call me a bad boy and then tie me to the wall and whip me!"  
  
Hannibal- "OMG Clarice are you writing all this down? This is excellent material. Guaranteed masochistic Kink-factor."  
  
[Clarice takes out a pencil and a notepad and draws a picture of Hannibal duct taped to the wall naked.]  
  
Clarice- "Yeah ok I got it!"  
  
Crawford- "Please don't make me leave."  
  
Hannibal- (Twitch twitch) "LEAVE now!"  
  
[Hannibal rips of the brown bag from around his special area and stuffs it over Crawford's head. He then shoves Crawford out the door, and slams it shut.]  
  
[Then Hannibal dives onto the bed, sending taco ingredients flying everywhere. Beneath a shower of cheese, meat, lettuce, and tomatoes, Clarice peels Hannibal's banana like a Russian vegetarian whore who's addicted to the color yellow. (I saw her eat a goldfish once. Sad really, especially for Mason. A death in the family is always hard.)]  
  
[Meanwhile, Holly is faced with her own problem. And his name is The Stupid Loser. Or wait, no that's his last name. His first name is Paul. And uh somewhere in there it says Krendler. His parents were drunk when they named him. And when they had him, too.  
  
Holly is sneaking through the hallways outside of Krendlers office, wearing her new ninja suit (a black trashbag with leg, arms, and eyeholes cut out). She has murder on her mind.]  
  
Holly- "Mohahahah! I shall eliminate Krendler once and for all! His crazy monkey like stupidity and feces tossing will be no more!"  
  
[She creeps silently along the hallway towards Krendlers office.  
  
Once at the door, she pulls out her huge Ninja Sword. (It's a bunch of colored pencils taped together and spray painted gray. Yeah, the FBI is cool. Very cool.)]  
  
Holly- "Now for the moment of truth, HIYA!"  
  
[She kicks open the door and storms into Krendler's office, swinging her sword around all insanely. She knocks over a lamp that was sitting on a small table.]  
  
Krendler- "Ahh! Damnit! That was my grandmas lamp!"  
  
Holly- (picks up the lamp and dusts it off, puts it back on the shelf) "Sorry it's a big sword you know."  
  
Krendler- "Oh I understand but uhh are you going to kill me?"  
  
Holly- "Yeah I was really planning on it. Why, does that not work for you?"  
  
Krendler- "No, not really."  
  
Holly- "Oh,well. You know."  
  
[She charges at him with her colored pencil sword, and jabs him in the stomach.  
  
The colored pencils break.]  
  
Krendler- "Ouch.that almost hurt actually."  
  
Holly- "Ummm. Fuck. Those were the colored pencils I use to draw. Krendler, you owe me some colored pencils."  
  
Krednler- "Me? I do? What the hell? You're the one who stabbed ME!"  
  
Holly- "Oh it was bound to happen anyway. If I didn't do it, someone else would've."  
  
Krendler- "You have a point. Well, what are you going to do now?"  
  
Holly- "I don't know. Do you have any colored pencils I could borrow?"  
  
Krendler- "I could look and see. Have a seat. This might take a minute."  
  
[Holly sits down in the chair on the other side of Krendlers desk.]  
  
[She adjusts her ninja suit.]  
  
Krendler- "Ok well. I don't think I have any. but I do have this normal pencil."  
  
Holly- "Is it sharp?"  
  
Krendler- "No and I don't have a pencil sharpener either. Masons wheelchair broke and he had to take it and use it for his motor."  
  
Holly- "Well that's creative. I didn't know fish were so resourceful."  
  
Krendler- "Fish? What now?"  
  
Holly- "Did I say fish? I mean fillet of fish."  
  
Krendler- 0.0  
  
Holly- "Oh woops. I didn't mean that either. I always get confused when talking atrout fish. I mean about. and not about fish. About Masonfish. I mean tuna. No not tuna! Sardines? Wait isn't that a fruit? Mason is a fruit. But fish. I mean fish. No. not fish. Mason. There we go. That's what I meant to say. Catfish. A hairy fish? Does Mason purr? Wait omg never mind please don't answer that. Damn me and my largemouth bass. I mean big mouth. Wow I'm lost. Did you say salmon? I mean something. Did you say something? Wow I don't feel good all of a sudden. I must be eel. I mean ill. I think I'm ill. I don't pike this at all. Pike? Like. I don't like pike. My head hurts. I think I'm going to fall over in a minnow or two. Minute. How many seconds are in a minnow? Maybe we should carp over at the beginning. Huh?"  
  
Krendler- "OMG are you ok?"  
  
Holly- "Wow no there is something about this room that makes me feel really stupid."  
  
[She glances at Krendler, who is trying to stick his keyboard up his left nostril.]  
  
Holly- "Oh. Ok. That explains just about everything."  
  
[Krendler coughs, twitches, and falls out of his chair.]  
  
Krendler- "GAH! Eep! Neerp-fooh!"  
  
Holly- "Whoa. Are you ok?"  
  
Krendler- "AHH! I think I inhaled the Backspace Key."  
  
[He lays on the floor and coughs and twitches for several minutes, while Holly folds some paper airplanes with some files that Krendler had on his desk.]  
  
Krendler- "GACK! Errk! Crrrooooo! Gaaaaaa! Hrrrup!"  
  
[He stands up, and pulls a big plastic keyboard key out of his mouth.]  
  
Krendler- "Well whaddaya know, it was the Shift key. Now that's something."  
  
[Holly throws a paper airplane. It flies around the room and bumps into the wall.]  
  
Holly- "Woo! What a rush!"  
  
[She throws another one. It does a circle around the desk then sticks right in Krendlers eye.]  
  
Krendlers Eye- POINK!  
  
Airplane- JAB  
  
Eye- sploot  
  
[The airplane is stuck in Krendlers eye.]  
  
Krendler- "ARRGG!!!"  
  
[He falls over again.]  
  
Krendler- "AHH! My eye! I can't see! Oh the pain! There's a pilot in my pupil!"  
  
Holly- "OMG! There's a airplane in your iris!"  
  
The Cat in the Hat- "Holy shit! There's a wumplebear in my underwear!"  
  
[Holly and Krendler both pause and stare at the Cat in the Hat.]  
  
Cat in the Hat- (hanging his head) "Yes, I know I'm sick."  
  
[He shuffles out of the room very sullenly. But right before he gets to the door, he turns around and runs back into the room, grabs Krendlers keyboard, and puts it in his pants.]  
  
[Then he runs back out of the room making weird noises like Dr. Zoidberg from Futurama.]  
  
Cat in the Hat- "Woob woob woob woob woob woob!"  
  
[For several minutes, Holly and Krendler stand there staring at the door. Krendlers eye is slowly leaking out of his skull.]  
  
Holly- 0.0 "He wears pants? I've never noticed."  
  
Krendler- "Neither have I. But to tell you the truth, I've never really had a cat fetish anyway. I'd prefer NOT to have to cough up hairballs the morning after."  
  
Holly- 0.0 "I wonder why God hasn't killed you yet..."  
  
Krendler- "I'm amazingly resistant to lightening."  
  
Holly- "Well isn't that just the cats meow."  
  
[Outside, The Cat in the Hat gets hit by car and screams like a hundred ostriches getting made into ostrich burgers.]  
  
Krendler- "Cats are annoying."  
  
Holly- "And so are you."  
  
Krendler- "You know... you're very mean to m-"[Holly breaks a light bulb and sticks the broken end in Krendlers spine.]  
  
[Krendler falls over.]  
  
[He twitches.]  
  
Krendler- "Oh good god! It burns! My life is flashing before my eyes!"  
  
** Flashback **  
  
[Two Smurfs are standing on a street corner in a big city.]  
  
Papa Smurf- "I'm Horny."  
  
Mama Smurf- "I'm a Smurf."  
  
Papa Smurf- "AHH! We were made for each other! Take me now!"  
  
[The two Smurfs jump into the nearest newspaper box, and make hideous, creepy love.]  
  
[Three hours later a tiny little Krendler slides out the door of the paper box.]  
  
Paper Smurf- "OMG! That's the most Hideous Smurf baby I've ever seen!"  
  
Baby Krendler- Gurgle.  
  
Mama Smurf- "EEK! He's bubbling!! Let's get outa' here!"  
  
[The two Smurfs jump out of the paper box and bounce down the street. (sadly they made the bad decision of standing beneath the tire of a bus that was parked next to the sidewalk. Ever wonder who came up with the idea for blueberry pancakes? Smurfs mashed into dirt looks a lot like a fruity pancake to a stoned Diner employee.)]  
  
Baby Krendler- "Bloobmorf."  
  
[He gets dragged off into an alley by a Hungry Hungry Hobo. The hobo soon comes to pity Baby  
  
Krendler, and raises him as his own.]  
  
**Back to reality now***  
  
Krendler- "You gotta love those childhood memories."  
  
Holly- "That. that was evil. Pure evil."  
  
Satan- "Hey don't look at me, I'm not a horny Smurf!"  
  
Holly- "What are you doing here?"  
  
Satan- "I'm stalking the Cat in the Hat. Have you seen him?"  
  
[Holly points out the door.]  
  
Satan- "Ahhhh! Thank you so much for your help. Here, as a token of my gratitude, take this coupon. Commit one sin and get the other one half off! Its great for shoplifting something, then throwing it at a little kid."  
  
[Satan runs out the door.]  
  
Krendler- "You know I was hoping the last moments of my life WOULDN'T involve idiotic random crap appearing out of nowhere."  
  
Holly- "Don't blame me, I'm not writing the script."  
  
Krendler- "Fucking teenagers that have no lives!" [He shakes his fist then falls over dead.]  
  
[Holly steals his lampshade then runs out of the office.]  
  
[Meanwhile in NeverLand...]  
  
Captain Hook- "Arrg!"  
  
[He stands there looking all cool.]  
  
Captain Hook- "All hail the Supreme Overlord Undressable Pirate! That's right! I am your S.O.U.P! Much like chicken noodle soup, only I'm not a chicken and my noodle isn't warm and soggy."  
  
[All the pirate ho's try to jump on his boat.]  
  
[The boat pulls to a stop by the docks.]  
  
Hook- (suave pimp laugh) "I know you all want me."  
  
[Just then, Holly flies out of nowhere wearing the lampshade on her head. She lands right in front of Hook and quacks.]  
  
Hook- "What the hell?"  
  
Holly- "Hello Captain. I'm here to walk your plank."  
  
Hook- "What? The plank is over there."  
  
Holly- "No, I mean YOUR plank."  
  
Hook- "I don't get it. The plank is over there."  
  
Holly- "Jeebus! How could you not get that! Ok umm lemme rephrase it. I'm here to raise your sails."  
  
Hook- "But we are docked right now. There's no point."  
  
Holly- (gritting her teeth in frustration) "Ok, Captain. want to be your HOOKer."  
  
Hook- "Uhh I can only have one Hook. I still have a hand left."  
  
Holly- "Forking Monkey Tails Man! Don't you get it!?"  
  
Hook- ".... You lost me."  
  
Holly- "GOOD GOD! Lets just say this; I'll go search for the 'lost boy' in your pants."  
  
Hook- "Trust me there isn't one in my pants. Who do you think I am, Michael Jackson?"  
  
Holly- "Lets turn this boat into a waterbed."  
  
Hook- "But it's a boat."  
  
Holly- "Listen. You're making this really, REALLY hard! Now watch me wink when I say this ok? Wow Captain I'm feeling really hot (wink). I must have (wink) cabin fever. Maybe WE (wink) should go lie down."  
  
Hook- "Oh, all you need is a little fresh air."  
  
Holly- (grabs Captain Hook and rips off his shirt) "I'm going to touch you like no pirates ever been touched before!"  
  
[She picks Hook up under her arms and drags him into the boat.  
  
They make some HUGE waves late into the night.]  
  
[Peter Pan, who had been chasing Masonfish around underwater, drowned and died.  
  
Now Hook is the supreme pimp master of Forever Horny Land. (He renamed it. Everyone felt it was more accurate.)]  
  
[Speaking of Masonfish, we now join him as he sits in his wheelchair at a dark truck stop outside of DC.]  
  
Mason- "Umm. Kate? Whatsh are yoush doing?"  
  
Kate- "What? What do you mean? I'm not doing anything."  
  
[She ties off a big rope to Mason's Wheelchair.]  
  
Mason- "No, Kate, sherioushly, your shcaring me."  
  
Kate- "I'm sorry. Did I ruin your Christmas?"  
  
Mason- "I'm Jewish."  
  
Kate- "You mean Jewfish! Ahahahahahah!"  
  
[Out of nowhere a rock flies in and hits Kate.]  
  
Kate- (cough) "Yeah I deserved that."  
  
Mason- "That washnt even funnshy. Shat was jusht shad."  
  
Kate- "You know, I bet some trucker around here would give anything to have a nice fish like you for a meal."  
  
Mason- "I'll shut up."  
  
Kate- "Good. Ill be right back."  
  
[She walks off towards the back of a truck, and ties the other end of the rope to it.  
  
Then she comes back to Mason.]  
  
Kate- "That truck is going to Arizona."  
  
Mason- "Sho? What do I'sh care?"  
  
Kate- "Your going to Arizona."  
  
Mason- "What? No I'm notsh."  
  
Kate- "Bye, Bye Mason."  
  
Mason- "Shit."  
  
[The truck turns on, and starts to move forward. The rope goes tight, and Mason starts to roll.]  
  
[Kate runs up and hands him some goggles.]  
  
Kate- "Incase he runs over any road kill. I'd for some raccoon corpse to lodged in you eye. I'd feel sorry for the raccoon."  
  
Mason- "No Katsh! Don't do thish! I'll give yoush money!"  
  
Kate- "What was that? You think this is funny?"  
  
[As Mason is rolling away, she grabs a rabid badger from in one of the dumpsters and duct tapes it to Mason.]  
  
Kate- "Now THAT is funny."  
  
Mason- "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo!!!!"  
  
[The truck drives off, and Mason enthusiastically follows.]  
  
[The Badger is kinda grouchy though. I hope Mason brought some badger food for his trip.]  
  
[Meanwhile, Clarice and Hannibal are having wild sex. Need I say more? Not really. Just know that Hannibal DID go out and buy a whip and cowboy boots. And Clarice found a nice cowboy hat. Is that Kinky or what? The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is one thing, but the Texas Sexcowboy Lecter is like wow. Talk about a cult film. Cult is right. Want to know what the Holy water is? I thought not.]  
  
[Suddenly, the door to Hannibal's hotel room swings open.]  
  
[Hannibal, who is straddling Clarice (Oh there's no saddle on these two ponies), drops his whip.  
  
Standing in the doorway is a man in a black duster and big black cowboy boots. In his hand he holds a shiny metal revolver. He cocks it. (Clarice reads that part of the script and giggles.)  
  
Mysterious Cowboy- "Hey, pardner, that there is my Clarice."  
  
Hannibal- o.0 "You have an English accent.."  
  
Mysterious Cowboy- "What? Oh. Damn. You suck Hannibal."  
  
Hannibal- "No I don't suck Hannibal, Clarice does."  
  
[Clarice has Hannibal's entire left hand stuck in her mouth.]  
  
Mysterious Cowboy- "Oh thank god its his hand. I thought you meant something else."  
  
[Clarice starts to inhale Hannibal's ear.]  
  
Mysterious Cowboy- "Do you even know what body parts your supposed to be using??"  
  
Clarice- "Yeah, but we are trying to keep this rated PG-13."  
  
Mysterious Cowboy- "Oh, well where's the fun in that?"  
  
Hannibal- "Hey man, your preaching to the choir."  
  
[In the back of the hotel is a bunch of members of the local church choir.]  
  
Mysterious Cowboy- "Good freakin god that is just sick."  
  
Hannibal- "I don't know how they got in here, but they wanted to stay, so yeah."  
  
Mysterious Cowboy- "Well, that's kinky. But anyway isn't anyone going to ask who I am?"  
  
Clarice- "No. We know who you are, Severus Snape. I saw your wand when you came in."  
  
Snape- "But uh I don't have my wand with me."  
  
Clarice- "No. your pants are unzipped."  
  
Snape- "Oh. Well pardon me for going commando."  
  
Clarice- "Oh that's fine. Just watch where you cast your spells with that thing."  
  
[Clarice giggles]  
  
Snape- "Don't worry. I once beat down an entire house of evil whores with it, without hurting a single other person."  
  
Hannibal- "Beat them down?"  
  
Snape- "With my wand."  
  
Hannibal- "You mean your wang?"  
  
Snape- "Wand, wang, potato, potahto, tomato, orgasm, its all the same."  
  
Hannibal- o.0 "Ok sure. Umm. Wow."  
  
Snape- "This is very awkward."  
  
Hannibal- "It is indeed."  
  
[All of a sudden, another person comes flying in the door behind Snape. She picks him up, stuffs him in a bag, and runs out.]  
  
Hannibal- "Who gave Holly a bag big enough to carry bodies in? You should have known that was a bad idea."  
  
Clarice- "Less bag, More shag!"  
  
[She yanks on the brim of Hannibal's cowboy hat and pulls him to the ground.]  
  
[For three hours, a rodeo like you've never seen goes on in Hannibal's Hotel room.  
  
They end up breaking through the floor of Hannibal's second story room and falling down into the room below them.]  
  
Xenia- "Holy shit! The roof of my hotel room collapsed!"  
  
Clarice- (covered in dust, plaster, and drool) "OH whoa! XENIA!"  
  
Xenia- "Holy Kinkpickle!"  
  
Hannibal- "Oww! I'm being crushed by a beam!"  
  
Clarice- "Oh be quite. Your wang isn't THAT heavy."  
  
Xenia- "So you guys were the ones I heard up stairs! From down here it sounded like a bunch of three hundred pound cowboys had got together for a square dance."  
  
[And on that note they all have sex.]  
  
[Somewhere in Arizona three days later.]  
  
[The truck is stopped at a truck stop. The trucker is walking to his semi from the truck stop diner when he noticed a strange lump of something lying on the ground behind his truck.]  
  
Trucker- "Uuh oh. I hopes I didn't gone and run over one o'dem cactopi youngins."  
  
[He walks back and sees Mason lying on the ground covered in cactus.]  
  
Trucker- "Hurly Shoot! It be a doggoned cactopi! I hear dems is future tellers or something the like. Is you one o'dem cactopi's with carrot cards?"  
  
Mason- "Errrshhhgggg I'm insh pain."  
  
Trucker- "Well poke me in the eye and call me roadkill! He gone said its gonna rain! Ill damned. And in this here state of Areezona too!"  
  
Mason- "I.. I'm loshing blood."  
  
Trucker- "Well boy howdy! I'd like to be yer bud too! Friends fer'ever aint that right cactopie!"  
  
Mason- "If yoush kill me, ill give you anyshing you wantsh!"  
  
Trucker- "You wanna feel me and sing me songs? Doesn't ya think it's a tad early in our here relayshonsheep to be song singin'?  
  
Mason- "Whysh doesh god hatesh me sho much?"  
  
Trucker- "Yeah, I does got some plates an' cups. Why? You done thinking about havin' us a little tea party wasn't ya'!"  
  
Mason- "I Hopesh you rot in hell."  
  
Trucker- "Why yes, my little cactopi, you dun rung my bell. Hehehe yer gonna be here sitting in da front seat with me."  
  
Mason- [Tries to hold his breath and pass out.]  
  
THE END.  
  
(Now, if you want to know what happened to Clarice's bras, a man by the name of MAGNETO took them! And now it is up to The X-Men and Clarice to get them back before Magneto rules the world..what? He can do that you know. He is a talented man. So, if you want to know what happens, you will have to read X-Men 2: 2. It will be up shortly. [Runs off laughing all evil like.]) 


End file.
